tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58181115161447760362024-03-04T23:10:08.623-05:00She is running down a dreamJournals of a dreamer who is a mother, a writer and a runner...who happens to have Multiple SclerosisAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09466824738977408568noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-35761474349348501062016-03-11T10:15:00.003-05:002016-03-11T10:17:45.499-05:00Be kind<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #4794bb; font-family: "covered by your grace"; font-size: 12pt;">Every year at this time I get anxious as I sit down to write my personal fundraising page for the MS Walk. I don't know about you, but it's hard to open myself up and let people see what's really going on inside. It's hard to be vulnerable. In years past I've had a "theme" of sorts to my fundraising. Whether it was hope, strength, joining together as one for a cure...this year I'm struggling. I'm exhausted, forgetful and to be honest a little afraid.</span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzsiThTAWRoQboCNzXrFce3DjUaRrQRkYKZPSjjnxmmkJNCQnMggAVqCkC2eak4c89Vc1pUrFOx7qFgWbXcgmhpE98gHM2ekX3KBGwZBbpuHXdBcapx6-d3nagpreyrVZPDegPNYhreY/s1600/be-kind-blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzsiThTAWRoQboCNzXrFce3DjUaRrQRkYKZPSjjnxmmkJNCQnMggAVqCkC2eak4c89Vc1pUrFOx7qFgWbXcgmhpE98gHM2ekX3KBGwZBbpuHXdBcapx6-d3nagpreyrVZPDegPNYhreY/s320/be-kind-blog.jpg" width="312" /></a><span style="font-family: "comic sans ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #4794bb; font-family: "covered by your grace"; font-size: 12pt;"> I've got some decisions to make regarding medication that I have pushed off for over a year. This past year I tried a new avenue with a more holistic approach. I tried acupuncture, went to a nutritionist and saw new doctors up at Duke Integrative Healthcare. I "cleansed" my body of gluten, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, dairy and meat. I started seeing a therapist to help me accept this diagnosis, some 5 years later. I started taking a private Pilates class to help my body be less stiff, to work on my balance and to challenge myself mentally. I quit my job last September because it was just too much for my mind to handle. I got confused and it started taking me longer and longer to get my projects done.<br /><br /> Through all this I have I have done my best to remain positive. I've tried to take something from each of last year's experiences to move forward. After many a crying conversation with Stephen, we decided that if I was going to quit my job it wasn't going to stop me from working. The focus was just changing. The focus became working on me. Trying to find a rhythm to a disease that has no rhyme. My job was to focus on getting me stronger, physically and mentally. We bought a piano last October so I could challenge my mind to learn something new. I now take Pilates classes three times a week. Sometimes that is all I can do...go to Pilates and then come home and rest. Other days I can go on for hours and then later that night it hits me like a ton of bricks that I have done too much. It's hard to accept that I do not have control over how my body feels and reacts to MS and life's daily stresses.<br /><br /> I have learned something very important along the way. It's funny because I have always preached this to the girls, ever since they were little. It is simply to be kind. Be kind to others. Try to understand that everyone comes from a different place and we never know what has happened to them before we meet them that day. They could have had a fight with their mom. Maybe their dog is sick. Maybe their best friend said something mean. Maybe their parents are getting divorced and they don't know what to do. Maybe they just don't feel well. It could be anything under the sun. No matter how they treat you, you must be kind in return. I never really told them to apply that to themselves. This year as I have explored new ideas and approaches to my MS and I have found one common theme in all of it. Be kind to myself. Treat my body and mind the way I want to be treated. Take care of it. Challenge it. Understand that there are some days when it's not going to do what I want it to do. Let go of unrealistic expectations. Embrace the challenges and be proud that I give my best and it is good enough.<br /><br /> As I reread what I have written so far I have to correct myself and say that I am not struggling with a theme this year. I've learned something new about myself this past year and I need to share that with all of you. BE KIND. It's that simple. This is something you all should do whether you have Multiple Sclerosis or not. I think if we make the choice to be kind to ourselves the results will be tenfold.<br /><br /> As I've said, MS is an unpredictable chronic disease for which there is no cure. If sharing my story with you has touched you heart, I ask for you to thoughtfully consider donating to my MS Walk team. The funds raised go to local people right here in NC, as well as much needed funds for medical research to find a CURE for MS.<br /><br /> As my beloved New England Patriots have said "Do your job". Well they did theirs and won the super bowl! I'm going to do mine and win this fight against MS. I would love to have you by my side supporting me on Saturday, April 11th for the MS Walk. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #4794bb; font-family: "covered by your grace"; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p><a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NCTWalkEvents?px=7645172&pg=personal&fr_id=25220">http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NCTWalkEvents?px=7645172&pg=personal&fr_id=25220</a></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">-JAH</span><br />
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09466824738977408568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-25063799251204330922016-03-11T10:08:00.001-05:002016-03-11T10:08:54.130-05:0021 Day Cleanse...what was I thinking?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You read it right...S and I are in the midst of a 21 day cleanse, day 17 to be exact. Trying to jump start our bodies by cutting out most of the things we LOVE!! We cannot have gluten, caffeine, animal products (that includes glorious cheese!!), sugar (my addiction is on hiatus) and my beloved wine (alcohol in general). It literally took me about 9 months to make this decision. Yeah, it was that major for me. So every night I am trying to come up with vegan meals for us adults and then something the kids will eat. With 2 kids one week and 5 the next it has been tricky with all those different mouths to feed!! <br />
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It's really not as bad as I thought it would be. We got the idea from Kathy Freston's book <a href="http://www.kathyfreston.com/kathy_freston_intro_to_quantum_wellness_cleanse.html" target="_blank">Quantum Wellness Cleanse.</a> She actually looks at your whole person in this cleanse and how each of us is unique. It's really a low pressure book. After rereading some parts, I finally decided to jump in! My first goal was to loose weight...on day 17 I am down 3 pounds (not very impressive to me, could it be all those veggie tortilla chips and <a href="http://www.renfrofoods.com/" target="_blank">Mrs. Renfros</a>, salsa ?!? Maybe ). My second goal was to detox my body, which includes what goes in and what comes out. This past March I ended up in the emergency room, ambulance and everything, with severe stomach pains. After waiting far too long the diagnosis was in...I was full of shit, literally. Good God!! I was embarrassed to say the least...who new poop could cause so much pain? Well I do and now so do you! I can happily say that I have met this goal, through the cleanse, yea me!! My third goal was to see if these changes would help my sleep. As you may know...I'm creeping up on 45 in October...sleep after you are 40 can be non-existent. I'm not sure if the cleanse actually helped or if it was my discovery of <a href="http://www.celestialseasonings.com/products/sleepytime-teas/sleepytime-extra" target="_blank">Sleepytime Extra Wellness Tea.</a> My guess is...it's the tea. I highly recommend giving it a try. <br />
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So on the positive side I met all my goals. While I didn't melt away into a sleek size 2 like I was hoping for, I'll take the 3 pounds and call it a night. Who knows, I could shed the rest in these last 4 days!! I'll keep you posted on that one! There really isn't a negative side to this cleanse...although last night S and I looked at each other and he said what I was thinking..."boy I'd love a drink right now". First time in 17 days that I really missed my pinot noir. We will reunite on Monday for my anniversary. I think we will make some adaptations to our old way of eating. I'm not going to stay a vegan 3 weeks/21 days//504 hours, however you would like to note it, will be long enough for me. I think I'll be able to incorporate the two eating styles into something moderate and still healthy. I've seen both extremes and I can honestly say I am not interested in either as a life change. I will limit the process foods and focus a lot more on clean eating. Real food actually tastes really good!!<br />
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Photo credit: <a href="http://www.olivera.com/blog/clean-eating-101/">http://www.olivera.com/blog/clean-eating-101/</a></div>
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I do want to share my intense love for <a href="http://www.pinterest.com/" target="_blank">Pinterest</a> That website/app is outrageously good! If you are not on<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/" target="_blank"> Pinterest</a> you need to drop everything and go there (well after you finish reading this post!) I have found so many recipes and wellness tips I feel like I have found a gold mine. Never mind the gardening, fashion, decorating and everything else in the world you can think of...it's amazing. Click on the "follow me on Pinterest" link to the right and you can see all my pins!<br />
I'd love to hear your thoughts on cleanses and clean eating? What do you think???<br />
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-JAH<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09466824738977408568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-87027623112694797022016-03-11T10:06:00.003-05:002016-03-11T10:07:30.078-05:00Merging my two blogs back to oneMerging my two blogs back to one...here are my posts from Striving for Balance.<br />
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Welcome to my new blog! I'm so glad you are here. Many of you have followed me for the past 6 years at <a href="http://www.sheisrunningdownadream.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">She is Running Down a Dream</a> . For those of you new to my writings, thanks for coming into my little piece of the world. A little background for you...I am married to the absolute love of my life (lucky me, I know!). We will be celebrating our first anniversary next week! Between the two of us we have 5 daughters and a part time dog. I started <a href="http://www.sheisrunningdownadream.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">my first blog</a> 6 years ago while I was going through some medical testing. After months of the unknown, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis on December 22, 2009. I used my blog as an outlet as I tried to come to terms with my diagnosis, to deal with the ending of my first marriage, to share lessons learned and for A LOT of self reflection. <br />
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I came to the decision to start a new blog that would correlate with my world as it is today. I'm a newlywed again. This time with 5 daughters. My family has grown by three amazing people. Being part of a blended family can have it's highs and it's lows. New personalities, new environment, new "rules"...really new everything. Along with that, I'm still working on my ability to accept my diagnosis (and the changes that it brings to our daily lives). I've taken a new approach to managing my daily living and my health. It's more encompassing. It includes the physical, emotional & spiritual pieces as a whole. Instead of just going by what my neurologist prescribes I am seeking out new alternatives. It's certainly a process and one that is still in the beginning stages. <br />
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As I begin on this new journey, I hope you will come along for the ride. It's sure to be interesting as I continue Striving for Balance. Be sure to follow me so you will get my most recent posts on family, love, food (I love, love, love food!) along with my thoughts, reflections and musings on everything in my little piece of the world!<br />
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-JAH<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09466824738977408568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-80961714068727376062014-02-07T17:31:00.001-05:002014-02-07T17:31:10.016-05:00Courage to bloom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The past four years I have been under the impression that I was "managing" my<br />MS, when in truth I was trying to ignore it. I pushed through, stiff upper <br />lip and all. I thought if I just plowed through life, running full steam <br />ahead that I would "beat" this disease. I pushed it out of my mind, as best<br />I could, trying to prove that this could and would not change me or my life. <br />My parents always said I had to learn things the hard way...and "the light (finally)<br />dawns on Marblehead". <br />
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Last summer, after getting some test results back my neurologist suggested<br />that I consider changing my course of drug therapy. Over the past months since I have<br />been trying to decide if this is something I want to do. A very smart person <br />in my life asked me a question I had never asked myself..."what is your plan <br />for managing your MS?" At first I was honestly insulted...I got up every morning <br />and faced the day, I wasn't crying a pity party in my soup. I was forging ahead! <br />I had a plan...to do what ever my neurologist told me to do...that's why I go to <br />a specialist,right? I thought I had done pretty good considering the circumstances. <br />I was doing the best I could...or was I? I was then asked..."is that it?" <br />I started thinking and I had to admit to myself that I really didn't have a plan. I was in denial. <br /><br />According to the 5 stages of grief "Acceptance means that you've grasped the reality of your situation <br />and you're ready to incorporate that reality into your life. " Hmmm...I think in the<br />back of my mind acceptance meant that I was defeated. I have really struggled with <br />this idea. To be honest I am still struggling with it. Ever fiber of my being has been telling me<br />that acknowledging this is wrestling with defeat and defeat is unacceptable. But I had to admit<br />my plan wasn't really working anymore (if it ever did). So I started to do what I do best, research.<br />There is so much information out there it is overwhelming and intimidating. Where the hell do<br />I begin? Since I now realize that relying solely on the medical community is no longer an option for me my new plan is to look for ways to attack this on all fronts. It's a necessary turn in the road. <br />I know it won't be easy but I am going to try to keep my mind open to all that is out there for me <br />to tap into. I have to remember that this too is moving forward, the game plan has just shifted...but I am still IN the game. <br />
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To that very smart person in my life...thank you. Many times it's hard to see the forest<br />through the trees and it takes someone with courage to point that out. Thank you for <br />challenging me to be the best person I can be and thank you for reminding me that it is <br />always worth the risk to bloom.<br />
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"and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the<br />risk it took to bloom" Anais NinAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09466824738977408568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-26650771272714546582014-01-30T15:45:00.000-05:002014-01-30T15:45:51.109-05:00Endurance, perserverance for the race we have before us<br />
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<span class="text"><span style="font-family: "Bradley Hand ITC"; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">What
a fantastic year it has been! 2013 brought so many wonderful experiences
and we made so many amazing memories!! As many of you know I got married
this past September. It’s been a whirlwind. God has truly blessed
me…growing our family to five daughters, giving us the means to expand our home
and add 3 additional bedrooms, listing and selling my townhome in just 5 weeks,
and of course most importantly finding the most incredible man to spend the
rest of my life with. </span><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">It’s
been 4 years since I was diagnosed with MS and my life has seen many
changes. Some, as you can see from above, have been more than I could
ever have dreamed of and others quite frankly have been a nightmare. The
physical and cognitive changes that MS has made to my brain, therefore my body,
can be quite discouraging at times. The physical symptoms have relatively
stayed the same; numbness in my limbs, spatial issues, balance difficulties,
pain in my back that has been not so lovingly named the” MS hug” along with
extreme fatigue. Cognitively, I have a pretty bad scar on my brain
somewhere that has caused great memory loss. I have lost complete
conversations. I have missed appointments that I didn’t remember
scheduling. I have forgotten some of the “little things” that make up the
special memories of time I have spent with loved ones. While there has
been many a dark moment for me physically, emotionally and cognitively I can
truly say that I am blessed. </span><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Every
day I get up and out of bed I am thankful. Thankful for the ability to
walk. Thankful for the ability to see. Thankful that that I have
been given a new day. Thankful that I have true JOY in my heart.
Thankful for my amazing husband. Thankful for our five absolutely
beautiful, inside and out, daughters. And believe it or not, Thankful I
was diagnosed with MS. </span><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I
believe we are all given different races to run. I believe we all have a
purpose. I believe God Almighty has a plan. I believe his plan is for me
to share my story with others. To encourage, lift up and give hope to
those who may not feel as if they have any and to be an example to my daughters
of perseverance regardless of life’s challenges. To be a witness to the amazing
things God has for all of us, for even when we are at our lowest, He is working
miracles for us. </span><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
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<span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I
share all of this with you so that you may see the HOPE I have for my future.
The HOPE I have that as many come together as one we will find a CURE for
this disease. I am asking again this year for you to share your blessings
with me. I ask for your support as our MS Walk Team, the Village People,
fundraise to find a CURE and to support those with MS. I am asking for
you to be by my side as I run the race set out before me. </span><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</v:shape><span style='mso-element:field-end'></span><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off
everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run
with perseverance the race marked out for us” –Hebrews 12:1-2</span><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
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<strong><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">I thank you all from the
bottom of my heart </span></strong><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<strong><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt; font-weight: normal; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Jo</span></strong><span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Papyrus; font-size: 11pt;"><a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=22866&team_id=363143"><u1:p><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;">http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=22866&team_id=363143</span></span></u1:p></a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></o:p> </span> </span><br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09466824738977408568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-14673590694884222252013-09-09T16:29:00.001-04:002018-09-24T12:04:12.275-04:00happy, happy days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlS9dRCqEpmyEPwkpN_i0COuAqF40DJFENPvEO_uTM04BMTw4H5OYFodzDNMVwa3b7fJEEU-EIkg7AJ8iKYW90jgng57jxjq2-5ZCrqmim7kkW-IYxbdfaEr5McACv0pLWlPGctF947dA/s1600/share+your+joy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1293" data-original-width="1312" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlS9dRCqEpmyEPwkpN_i0COuAqF40DJFENPvEO_uTM04BMTw4H5OYFodzDNMVwa3b7fJEEU-EIkg7AJ8iKYW90jgng57jxjq2-5ZCrqmim7kkW-IYxbdfaEr5McACv0pLWlPGctF947dA/s320/share+your+joy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After having lunch with a good friend of mine last week, I was reminded that I need to do more writing. We had not seen each other in some time and took a couple of hours to catch up. During that time I was able to share all the wonderful things going on in my life. She has told me on more than one occasion that my writing has lifted her spirits...she referenced my stiletto post from last year. This friend and I have had an instant connection since we met. We have not know each other for years and years, yet there is something intrinsically there that draws us close to one another. She has seen me during some of the lowest points of my life. As I was sharing all the good things that have been happening over the past months she was beaming. Literally smiling from ear to ear with tears in her eyes. You see, she has never been witness to my happiness. She has never see my eyes light up, the love in my heart and the joy that is now engraved into my soul. She had only seen the pain, sadness and heartbreak. In seeing my smile, she too could be happy. That day she was having a tough time of her own and that's when she told me to get back to writing. She told me she drew strength from my writing, especially the stiletto post, which she had just read that morning (before she knew we were going to meet). She told me that it was important to share my joy after I had shared so much heartache. She reminded me of a conversation we had when I asked her if she thought I would ever be happy...we both now know the answer is yes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So here I am...starting up again. This time with peace, joy and love in my heart. As you read this, if you are struggling with something in your life, please know that "tough times never last, tough people do" (thanks Gram, after 25 years I still hold these words close to my heart). Hopefully my darkest days are behind me...for right now my future is bright like a sun shiny day! I am so very grateful. When I was coming out of that dark place I promised myself to live my life to the fullest, with no regrets. Thankfully God had a plan for me. A plan so wonderful that I could have never dreamed to come true. I have found a wonderful, kind, generous, loving man. He knows all about me and my history. He sees the scars. He has seen the deep bruises that needed to heal. He can find the beauty in them and in me. He sees the good in me, actually he sees the great. He has made me a better person and I think I have done the same for him. We are truly partners. Working towards the same goal...enjoying every day, taking chances and living with no regrets. We are getting married in 20 days time, embracing each other and running toward our future, careful not to wish a day away. Together we will bring a total of five daughters into our family. Five sweet, wonderfully beautiful (inside and out), unique girls. We are blessed beyond words. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So as this new journey begins, don't worry...those stilettos will be on my feet every chance I get. I promise to share these wonderful times with you. I thank you all for standing by me in those really dark, ugly times. I hope you will feel the love and happiness that fills me everyday. I hope that it makes even a small difference in your life. I hope your heart is touched with joy and if you are in a darker place, know that their is hope, as long as you have faith. </span>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-9192119065557721072013-05-22T11:21:00.000-04:002014-02-01T10:23:20.703-05:00words...<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been off this grid for a while...missing my outlet of words...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">If you have read this blog before you know my story...it's like anyone else's...full of words. I've been trying to come back to this place to write, to release...yet it's been difficult to find the words. Like so many of you my life has been upside down and all around...I've written about dark places. I've written about finding light. I've written about blessings. I've written about pain. I've written about love lost and love found. I've written about beauty and I have written about ugliness. Why has it been so hard for me to come back and write more? Have I been afraid to share what's on my heart? Have I decided that some things are better left private? Or have I just not been able to find the words? None</span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"> of those questions on their own holds the entire answer...however when combined I can see the answer. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I was not sure how to "re -enter" my own writing space...writing that sentence is suprising to me...afterall it's MY space...these are MY words...I guess it is like anything else...if you venture off the path long enough you may lose your way. I wouldn't say that I have been lost these past 5 months. I actually think that I have found myself...off the beaten path...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">It seems I just could not find the words to share the experience. Maybe this experience was one not meant to be shared? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">The reason behind my absence really isn't important. What is important is that I know I want to write again. While the past three years I have been journaling a lot about my struggles and my source of strength, I am turning the page and seeing a new chapter to write about. I am excited to see where this new chapter takes me. I look forward to sharing new experiences with you, perhaps in a different way...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">So if you are a returning reader and you see a change in style, remember the author is still the same. The dreams are still the same. The book is even the same...t</span><span style="font-family: Verdana;">he page has just been turned.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">-JAH</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="line line-s" id="line_26">Words they'll try to shake you</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="line line-s"></span><span class="line line-s" id="line_27">Don't let them break you or stop your world</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="line line-s"></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_28">Stop your world from turning 'round</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="line line-s hover"></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_29">When words keep you from feeling good</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="line line-s hover"></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_30">Use them as firewood and let them burn</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="line line-s hover"></span><span class="line line-s hover" id="line_31">Let them burn, let them burn</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUvMJZLq-BE" target="_blank">Words <em>by Train</em></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-82583848668277420762012-12-27T22:33:00.000-05:002012-12-27T22:33:58.084-05:00Old Long Ago<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">As I sit on my couch in my new living room, in my new house, gazing at my Christmas tree, I cannot help but think back over the past year. I had a friend visit last night and we were talking about all the challenges the past year has brought into our lives. As we were talking I got a little choked up. I looked around and realized that the tears were not of sadness, they were of joy. They were tears of survival. Tears of picking myself up, dusting myself off and yes putting those stilettos back on my feet. I have walked into the next chapter of my life.</span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">God presented so many challenges to me this year. The first six months I felt like I was treading water and boy was I getting tired, physically, emotionally and spiritually!! I felt like a pin ball in a machine just bouncing around hitting the sides pretty hard. Battling the demons in my head. I had health issues, some that could have been avoided had I taken better care of myself. I still struggle with the idea that my body just cannot always do what my mind "knows" it can. </span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"><i>Physically</i>, I pushed myself to limits that even I am impressed with...especially being a part of a 12 person relay team that ran from Raleigh to Emerald Isle in the Tuna 200 (yeah, that's 200 miles.) Running first thing in the morning...running in the middle of the night...sleeping almost upright in a van that stunk of girl sweat and then running again! Such a wonderful experience with some amazing women, developing a bond that will never be broken. </span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;">Running a 4 mile race with one of my very best friends as she achieved her goal of completing her first race. I was blessed to be able to run by her side. She is extraordinary and I am so proud to call her friend. </span></h2>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"><i>Mentally</i> pushing through the difficulties of selling a home over 9 months. All the while raising three girls and a dog...and living there only half the time. Pushing through the thoughts that we would never sell it. Then pushing through to let the house go after it did sell. Pushing through the closing of a 7 year chapter that is so close to the end of a 20 year book. Pushing through the complications of being a stay at home mom for 12 years and working part time...then trying to convince a bank to give me a loan. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The swallowing of pride. The</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"> hoops I had to go through, the humbling realizations that sometimes I just need help. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Spiritually</i> pushing my mind to believe. To believe that the road set ahead of me was paved by The Almighty and I that I should WANT to follow this road as He has great plans for me. Pushing every single day to remind myself that this was a lesson of patience. A lesson of faith. Pushing to forgive myself when I had doubt. Pushing to TRUST. Pushing to REST. Pushing to BE STILL. I learned a lot in this area of my life. I learned about the power of thought. I learned that if you think negatively, your world will seem and perhaps be a negative place. I also learned that if you think positively your world will seem and perhaps be a positive place. Even if things didn't go the way I planned...having a positive outlook made the really tough stuff a little easier to handle.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Although this was definitely one of the most difficult years in my life, the blessings completely outweigh the challenges (which in hindsight, were actually blessings). I have had some wonderful people by my side this year. Some that were there for a reason, some for the season and some who will always be there for my lifetime. God put them where I needed them, when I needed them. He gave me difficult challenges to overcome, yet He also gave me the tools to use to hit those challenges head on. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Once again, my cup overfloweth I will leave 2012 with this...</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Should auld acquaintance be forgot, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And never brought to mind? </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Should auld acquaintance be forgot, </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And auld lang syne! </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For auld lang syne, my dear, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For auld lang syne. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We'll take a cup o' kindness yet, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For auld lang syne. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I raise a glass of kindness to you my friends, in love and friendship. Cheers!</span></div>
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Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-41018265397787198562012-09-28T16:56:00.000-04:002012-09-28T16:56:05.393-04:00The gift that keeps on giving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">
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<a href="http://inspirationaldaily.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/love-inspirational-daily.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="http://inspirationaldaily.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/love-inspirational-daily.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" id="il_fi" src="http://inspirationaldaily.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/love-inspirational-daily.jpeg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="200" /></a>Last week we started our fundraising efforts for my MS Walk team the Village People. This is the earliest we have ever started. We had a great day and evening with a golf tournament and then a live auction after dinner at my favorite wine bar, Niche. I had a group of folks who rallied and really put this all together for me. Ted, Jill, Leigh and Amika you all are so special to me. We raised awareness with signs posted at the golf course, as well as speaking about the disease at the auction. We raised money!! Over $3000.00!! We also raised something a little bit more important to me than all of that, we raised a sense of community.<br />
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"Love thy neighbor", so to speak. </div>
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Before we began organizing this event I had never met Jill or Leigh. Ted has been a good friend for some time and Amika, well we were just starting to grow our friendship. These four people really put their all in for me and for MS. They found sponsors, golfers, donors for the auction and the goodie bags along with dinner and entertainment. Jill was able to get us on the front page of the Holly Springs Sun (an excellent opportunity to share what MS is and who I am as a mother of three with MS), as well as a follow up this past week. There were many people I knew who were going to golf that day and there were many I did not know. I tried to introduce myself to all of them and thank them personally, I hope I did not miss anyone! We had a fantastic surprise that day as well. Jill was back at the snack bar getting ready to fill up the cart. There was a gentleman there that asked her what was going on today, with all the banners and signs everywhere. She told him about me and our cause Multiple Sclerosis. Their conversation ended and they went their seperate ways. Jill came back a short time later and he was waiting for her. He said I wanted to give you something for your fundraiser. He handed her a check, she said thanks very much and again they parted ways. Jill did not look at the check until the gentleman was gone and she was back in the cart with Amika. She opened it up and saw a check for $250.00. She and Amika tracked us down on the golf course to share the news. I of course went to tears. </div>
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Later that night we headed back to Niche for dinner, thanks to Big Mike's BBQ. You have got to try his blue cheese cole slaw. I died and went to heaven eating it! The bar filled up, some people we knew and others we did not. We were blessed to have Long Time Gone our friends Ed and Mike perform for us. A big treat for all. Ted thanked everyone and announced the winners (Erika Monty's family ran away with a few prizes!!). Then Michael was given the microphone to MC the auction. Michael shared personal information about MS, about me and about this group of people who had come together earlier in the day. He was able to get folks that had no idea what we were doing that day and night to open their wallets and contribute to a cause they may have known nothing about and a woman they had literally seen introduced only moments before. Thanks to Ted, Aldo and Bob for putting themselves up on the auction block! Michael thanks for all your efforts!!</div>
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So that sums up our event, short and sweet. There is a pattern in this summary. It is a pattern of giving, of one's time, resources, talents, and of course funds. So many people took part in the golf tournament and auction. So many volunteered and gave from their hearts. If you have followed this blog at all you know how blessed I have been in the past by the kindness of others. Not because they were looking for something in return, because their hearts led them to give something of themselves. I have a bunch of new friends in town, got to know some I already knew a little bit better and had my core group right there with me. While I am beyond overwhelmed at the money we were able to raise and the generosity of so many, what really touches my heart is the kindness and love that was shared by so many. Yes, I want to raise money for a cure & yes, I want to raise awareness for MS...but more importantly to me, is to share God's greatest gift...LOVE. The Almighty was present that day, in every detail. He encouraged all of this support. He had everyone in place right where He needed them to be, to do what He needed them to do. There is no doubt in my mind who's Mighty Hand was held over this event. I thank God for all of you. I thank Him for putting you in my life, whether for a reason, a season or a lifetime. </div>
<img height="240" id="il_fi" src="http://lookatmyhappyrainbow.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/love2012.jpeg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="320" /><br />
I leave you with this...<br />
"And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" <br />
1Corinthians 13:13<br />
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-24454173404589994902012-07-17T17:25:00.000-04:002012-07-17T17:25:12.914-04:00Painting a picture<br />
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<img height="211" id="il_fi" src="http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/joannawnuk/joannawnuk1008/joannawnuk100800375/7734922-brush-mixing-paint-on-palette.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="320" /></div>
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I have been told by a couple different people to write down how I see
my "new life". How I picture it in my mind. How do I actually see
myself "happy"? Who is with me? Where am I? How will I know I have
made it??? To finish out this post I am going to attempt to share that
painted picture that is in my mind. It comes from the heart of a
dreamer and this my friends is completely honest.<br />
<br />
I close
my eyes and I feel the warmth of the morning sun. I hear the crash of
the waves and smell the salt in the air. I feel the sand between my
toes as I dig my feet in deeper and deeper. As I take a deep breath
in, I hear myself sigh with happiness. I open my eyes and look out at
the mighty ocean God has created. I see it daily and it reminds me of
times when I could not feel the bottom from under my feet. It reminds
me that each day is a gift and to accept it wholeheartedly. It also
reminds me that although the ocean waters are mighty and fierce. The
One who created them is the mightiest and the fiercest and He is by my
side, just as He promised. <br />
<br />
As I look over the dunes, I
smell the coffee in my hands. It gives me the extra boost in the
morning. Soon I hear music and laughter spilling out from the kitchen
windows of my humble home. As I look back towards the house that my
girls and I have made into a home, I see that is it battered and has a
few scars of it's own. Yet when I take a deeper look I can see inside
the windows. There I see my babies (they will always be my babies) a
few years older, still as beautiful on the inside as they are on the
outside. There is joy in their voices, there is happiness in their
hearts. They have learned through my mistakes that life is not fair.
No one has ever promised that it would be. Although I know they will
make many of their own mistakes, I pray they do not follow the path I
chose of most resistance. I pray that they follow a path that brings
them challenges and as they gain strength and overcome those challenges
they feel the joy still in their own hearts. When I look again I see
that this battered up home is a symbol of who I am. I have many scars
some in full view and others one may have to look really close to see.
However behind those scars I see a light in my eyes and joy in my soul,
just as I see the love flowing through the windows of my home. <br />
I
close my eyes and thank God for my life. The good, bad and the ugly,
for this is what has made me who I am today. As I listen to the sounds
of my favorite things and find myself lost in a dream, my boy Jake comes
up from his morning swim and shakes his soaking wet body all around
me. I open my eyes and smile and realize that this is not a
dream...this is my life. <br />
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<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-88641304179067677762012-07-17T17:08:00.000-04:002012-07-17T17:08:38.692-04:00Coming cleanWell I am back again. Back to the place where I feel I can write and express what is in my heart. In the past this blog has been a cathartic exercise for me...although if I am honest with you and myself, many times in the past I have written how I wish my life would be, not the actual truth. So I guess I am admitting to you all that I am a liar. To you and to myself. To make myself feel better I will say it was for self preservation...however the truth is the truth, and I have not always been truthful in what I have shared. <br />
In January of 2011 I told my husband I wanted a divorce. It is now July 2012 and we are still trying to get through the process. This past year and a half has been HELL for my entire family. I have turned my world and the world of others upside down. I did it by choice. Out of respect for my husband and family I will not get into the nitty gritty of it all...it would not solve anything and perhaps it would hurt some in the process and I do not want that at all. I will say that I am confident in my decision and that when I look in the mirror every morning I know I am doing the right thing. While knowing this is the right thing for me and my girls (and frankly for my husband) it is the absolute most difficult thing I have ever had to hit head on in my life. If you ask people what the most difficult and stressful things one may face in life they will say death, divorce, moving...those are usually the top three. What I have come to realize is that divorce is all of that rolled up int one. The death of a marriage (will be 17 years in October and a total of 20 years together the same month), the divorce itself...shattering a family and the life it has always known and finally moving. Moving in my case is physical and emotional. Our house is on the market and he has moved into a new home of his own. <br />
When rumors of this break up first started to surface last year I denied, denied, denied. It was my right. I didn't want people to talk (they ALWAYS do regardless). I didn't want people to see me as a failure, which I carried for a long time and have finally let go. I did not want to be the topic of conversation at the pool and then walk up to everyone hushing their voices as I approached. Lesson learned, it doesn't matter what I want, people will do what they will do...it is just who we are...human. We actively make choices to judge or not to judge. Sometimes we think we don't judge, yet subconsciously if we really look we are guilty. Look I judge myself all the time!! <br />
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Now that it is all in the open my family needs to find our new "normal" whatever the hell that means! What is normal anyway? I think it is different for every person. As I go through the journey before me and look back at where I started, the road is long in both directions. I have a very small hand full of friends that know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I am fortunate to have that hand full...many have none that they can trust literally with their lives, I can firmly say that I do. For that I am blessed. <br />
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As I share this journey with you, I want to share my source of strength. I want to share that I am not perfect and I have many faults. I am not here as an example. I am not someone to admire. I am just a woman who finally decided to make a change. To do that I have had to break a few too many hearts along the way. I have had to make difficult choices and will have to continue to do so. I will come out of this with many, many scars. Yet, I still know with all that, that I am making the right decision. I am on the right path, as difficult as it may be.<br />
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My strength comes from God and His mercy. It comes from the people He puts into my life to lead, comfort, encourage and kick me in the ass. For without God I am nothing. I am trying my best to keep my head above water...treading, quietly and steadily until I can put my feet down and feel the ocean floor. It will all happen in His time, not mine. It will all work out for the good of His will not mine. I stand on the promise that He made to protect me from the storms and the crashing waves. <br />
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"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand" Isaiah 41:10<br />
<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-26296484149440528552011-12-20T13:35:00.000-05:002011-12-20T14:01:28.535-05:00mighty strong face of ms, let the fundraising begin!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How does that saying go??? Oh yeah...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #ff6600;">What does not kill us makes us stronger</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span>Multiple Sclerosis has attacked millions of people worldwide and that number keeps growing. It is a debilitating disease that is completely unpredictable. No two cases are alike, yet we all have the same disease. Our symptoms vary from physical to cognitive and if you are really lucky like me, you get to have some of each!! This disease is a bitch, plain and simple. She can rear her ugly head at any time, always uninvited. For me she can literally knock me to my knees. This past year she has attacked me with physical symptoms including complete and utter exhaustion, balance & gait issues, pain up and down my left side, along with numbness and tingling in my hands, arms, legs and feet (a constant). She grabs a hold of my back and squeezes so hard around my rib cage that I feel like I cannot take another breath. She also attacks my mind, giving me moderate to severe impairments with my memory, my ability to process information & my concentration. She has literally scarred my brain. This bitch needs to go...<br /><br />Personally I think that the way to fight back against MS all starts with my attitude. Just like anything else life deals me, my attitude can change my outlook on even the worst situation. Of course there will be days when I fall into that dark hole, however I have a choice as to how long I decide to stay there. I am human after all and I will fall, however I consciously make the choice to stand up tall in my stilettos (I have given up the boots and the straps this year!!) and take the smallest step forward. After that first step, I take another and another. Before I know it I am moving forward. <br /><br />The MS Walk teams that I captain make a huge difference. We have bigger goals than last year and I know that we will exceed those goals with your support. I am asking you to be a part of my team. Join <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=18083&team_id=269022">The Village People </a>as we raise awareness, funds and positive encouragement to those afflicted with this debilitating disease. Help me to help others who are having a hard time seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Together we can give HOPE to those who are hopeless. We can encourage Faith in those who have none. We can embrace each other with LOVE and make a difference. We can work together to find a CURE. <br /><br />No donation is too large or too small...every penny counts! I ask again this year for you to share your blessings with me because...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px;"><span style="color: #ff6600; font-size: small;"> I am one Mighty Strong face of MS.</span></span></span>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-42838622729306159872011-11-18T16:31:00.001-05:002011-11-18T17:39:39.525-05:00Just checking in<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wow, time really does fly by, even when we are in the midst of difficult times. To say this past year has been a rough one would be an understatement. While I am not quite ready to write about those difficulties, I am ready to start writing my first book. It is a work in progress and sharing with all of you that I am going to do this will hopefully keep me focused to the task at hand. I am going to start small and see where it takes me. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As some of you know my oldest Julia has struggled in school for a while. Well she came home today with a certificate for honor roll. We went to go visit her teacher from last year to show her how well she did. Her teacher looked her in the eye and said "what did I tell you?</span></span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"> <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You can do
anything you put your mind to, you just have to believe in yourself. Do
you believe in yourself now?" Julia replied "YES!" Sharing in the moment with my oldest baby made me realize that we just need to believe in ourselves and we can do anything we put our mind to. I must also mention that my brother Donnie earlier in the week gave me similar advice..."you just have to believe you can do it". </span></span><br />
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Last week I received some results from some cognitive tests I had taken in October. They took my by surprise as they said I have moderately severe impairments when it comes to my memory and my processing all thanks goes to MS. The good news...I have above average language skills. I have always loved to write. Something about the written word...it is truly an outlet for me. So now that I have taken a week to digest the results, I realize that I will have to come up with some strategies and coping mechanisms to keep my focus. I am so grateful to still be able to take my time and let my thoughts flow from my mind to the keyboard. Once again MS has reared it's ugly head. I'll be honest, I had a rough week, no doubt about it. After speaking with my brother and then seeing how Julia now believes in herself I am inspired. Inspired by my brother's belief in me. Inspired by the hard work my daughter has given and then to see the fruits of her labor is icing on the cake. So I am going to draw my strength and focus from them and believe in myself. Believe that I AM A WRITER. Believe I can do anything I put my mind to. </span></span></div>
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<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I am looking forward to sharing my book with all of you. I hope it to be an inspiration to others, to believe in themselves and a reminder to me to believe in myself. </span></span>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-28495441421645570042011-08-26T13:15:00.000-04:002011-08-26T13:15:29.484-04:00Stop the blame game<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> Ok here I am again...I am following up on my last blog post about regrets. I regret writing about how I am concerned about what other people think of me. This is a long time coming and truly I had a break down and a break through this week. The things I need to focus on are not what other people think. Not whether other people forgive. Not what other people say or do not say. I need to worry about myself. I need to focus on what I think of myself. I need to focus on being compassionate towards myself and forgiving myself (no regrets!). I need to focus on what I say or do not say. I NEED to WANT to make myself happy. No one else can do this for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">It has been brought to my attention that I feed the subconscious misery deep inside me. I expect other people to meet my expectations and if they do not it is their fault. Truly it is my fault. I need to stop the blame game. I need to stop the cycle of feeding this seed of misery. This inner struggle is a pattern that has been going on for years and years. Telling myself I am not good enough. I have never put myself first because I never felt like I deserved first. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Earlier in the year I wrote about running my half marathon in Myrtle Beach. I wrote that some told me I could not do it. That some was just one and that one was me. I talk a good game to all of you. I need to talk a good game to myself. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Becoming my own cheerleader!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: small;">The first step is for me to take responsibility. No more blaming people, consciously or unconsciously. I have one foot forward and I need to lift that other foot to take the next step. I need to accept the mistakes I have made and forgive myself. Then I need to take those forgiven mistakes, put them in a box and put the box away for good. I need to realize that when I take care of me, I in turn take care of my girls. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">My strengths are determination, perseverance, goal driven, compassion and empathy to others. I need to take these strengths and set a new goal. I need to destroy the goal of misery and I need to make a new goal of being a friend to myself. I need to realize that I do deserve to be first and then to take my determination, my perseverance, my compassion and empathy and GIVE it freely to myself. I need to accept that gift, to embrace it. Only then will I truly ever be able to love all of me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It is a bit liberating to now know this about myself. I am in control of me. I can change the situation. I can change the seed I choose to feed. So today I am choosing to destroy the seed of misery buried deep inside and to plant the seeds of love for myself and happiness. I know it won't be easy, however I do know that I deserve to be first and I want to be first in my own heart and soul. Only then can I nourish the seeds of my children. To show them the seeds of love, happiness and compassion for themselves.</span></span> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-58460526078428985002011-07-30T15:43:00.002-04:002011-07-30T15:46:02.765-04:00Regrets...I've had a fewLast Saturday I was just arriving at my Auntie's house. A last minute trip up to Massachusetts under very sad circumstances. My Uncle Bucci had passed away late Thursday night. He fought his battle for 8 years when they only gave him 5 years to live. He made promises during that time and amazed me that he was able to keep them. It was time for him to be with God and in peace. The weekend was extremely emotional for me. This was truly what I saw as the last morsel of food that could possibly be put on my already overflowing plate. I had a lot of time to think on the plane rides up and back. I had time to reflect on my own life and situations. What my regrets are and what I could do to possibly make those outcomes different...could I fix the mistakes I had made? Could I make things right with people I had disappointed and hurt? Could I stick with my decisions that hurt me to the core and continue on, knowing that in the long run my life would be better...eventually? <br />
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When people die I think we all reflect on the would have, could have, should haves. When is it enough to just say we are sorry? Is it enough to recognize our mistakes, big and small, and just move on? Do we need to change people's minds about how they see us, compared to who we really are? Will we always be judged by our mistakes? When have we done enough to really be able to say "I have no regrets"? Right now I am not sure that is possible. I was told this weekend that I carry the weight of other people's worries. That in doing so I am only hurting myself in the long run. It is very difficult for me to let things go. I know it is not healthy, nor do the people I concern myself with even realize that I am carrying their pain.</div>
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I would like to think that I am one who forgives others once they have apologized. Forgiveness does give me a sense of letting go. Problem is I do not know how to apologize to myself and therefore forgive myself. This year has been a doozy with so many life changing decisions. When decisions are this big, no matter how much I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, doubt can creep in and f@#k with my mind. </div>
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As this year continues moving forward I need to find out how to live with no regrets. To let go of those things that I have no control over, especially how other people feel about me and perhaps how I feel about myself. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to share....</div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-75627838270225073772011-05-24T20:07:00.001-04:002011-05-24T20:09:49.086-04:00When the other shoe drops it should be a stiletto<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-inAvhshyU5c/TdxAuIgZzkI/AAAAAAAAAEc/f9QUlsfTWL4/s1600/stiletto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-inAvhshyU5c/TdxAuIgZzkI/AAAAAAAAAEc/f9QUlsfTWL4/s1600/stiletto.jpg" /></a></div><div>Wow another unpredictable week blindsided by MS. This week, in what seemed to be a split second, the shoe that has been in the back of my mind dropped. I was overcome with weakness, had difficulty walking, and that damn dreaded MS "hug" reared it's ugly head. I felt deceived, cheated and angry all in a split second. I had a false sense of security. I knew that shoe was deep inside waiting for an inopportune moment to drop. I just did not think it would be NOW! I had a great winter. I had some fatigue and minor complaints, but all in all I felt good! I trained for my half marathon. I was a fundraising maniac (if I do say so myself). I have been in high gear all year long. I was walking tall and feeling good. I was focused on change. I was focused on my future. I was focused on me! Then out of thin air she comes back to try to steal my joy. I am reminded again that MS will always be a part of me, whether I feel great or like shit or somewhere in the middle. Like obstacles in life that everyone faces, it is what we do to move forward to get over that stumbling block that counts, not the obstacle itself. I decided today that I am picking myself back up after a pity party and a little bit of a "why me" session (yeah I went there this week). Today I am getting back to those boot straps and lifting myself up. Up out of the dark place my brain drifted to over the weekend. Once I am back on my feet I am going to drop the boots on my own terms and put on a pair of stilettos. We only go around once in this life. We all know it will be shorter than what we would like it to be. So I am dusting off my fancy high heels. I am going to climb this obstacle and get to the other side. Then I am going to strap on my stilettos and live my life. I am going to live it knowing that when the next pair does drop, on this road or a different one in the future, I am going to tackle it on my terms. You know a girl can never have too many pairs of shoes, right?!?!</div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-4662023921416297682011-05-13T16:57:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:57:53.964-04:00"A change will do you good"<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #001320; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #001320; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;"></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #001320; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; line-height: normal;"><div style="font: 16.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 19.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Life is funny. Just when you think you have it all figured out something happens to change it all. A lightbulb goes on in your head and you see things in a new light. Change can be scary. Very scary. Going outside of your comfort zone is...uncomfortable. It's hard to challenge the status quo. All these worries enter your mind. You can lose confidence in your decision. You ask yourself will all of this be worth it in the end. It takes a lot of courage to take that leap of faith. To not care about what people will do or say. There are times when you want to throw it all away and go back to the way things used to be...except once you make the decision to change, there really is no going back. The decision sits in the depths of your mind, ready to remind you of it's existence when you least expect it. </span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 29.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">I have recently found that the hard decisions I am making are in my best interest. They make me want to cry and scream. They make me want to crawl under rock and not come out, ever. They make me question my worth. They make me question my future. They make me think outside of my comfort zone. I don't like to be uncomfortable...I don't know anyone who really does. </span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">They make me think. </span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 29.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Reflecting on my life and on my future. It can be painful to look back. However I am finding that when I do look back I am encouraged to take the next step into my future. I have found the courage to "Go confidently in the direction of my dreams and to live the life I have imagined". I am finding my authentic self. Seems to be the rage these days. It's liberating, discovering myself all over again. Perhaps this is my mid-life crisis (I would be thrilled to live until 83!). Whatever it is I am looking forward to the second chapter. I am excited to see what it brings. I am ready to take the next step into the uncomfortable to come out the other side with a happier and more fulfilled soul. </span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">I am committed to my future.</span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 29.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 29.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></span></span></div><div style="font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 29.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></span></span></div><div style="color: #001320; font: 24.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">"</span></span></span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #444444;">Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3</span></span></span></span></div></span></span></span></span></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-88554069903587553072011-03-24T22:07:00.000-04:002011-03-24T22:07:00.176-04:00what a whirlwind!Where did the last three weeks go?!?! Things have been so busy with my two teams fundraising for the Village People in NC and the Village People North in NH. We had GREAT success last weekend with our Loose Change Drive in our neighborhood. We had so many people help us cover the neighborhood it was fantastic. Now I want you all to sit down because what I am about to tell you will lay you out FLAT! It took us 2 hours to collect LOOSE CHANGE and we brought in $1340.00!!! You heard me right, $1340 smackeroos!!! So for those of you who think you do not have enough money to make a difference, I am hear to tell you that YOU DO! I usually say that every dollar counts...I am changing that to every penny! <br />
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Today I sampled wine with a few girlfriends at Niche Wine Lounge in Holly Springs, NC. Nic and Devon were fantastic, especially for me since I don't know "jack" about wine! Nic has kindly allowed us to christen his new wine cellar on April 2nd. If you are local you must go to Niche to meet him. A true generous soul...with a salty mouth! Just my kind of friend! He does a lot for our local community and it would be great to show your appreciation by visiting Niche for a fine glass of wine.<br />
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If you are interested we have tickets for sale now($25) and at the door ($30). We will have a superb array of wines to taste and a crowd that will have more fun than should be allowed. Many thanks to Nic and Niche...I am blessed to know you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-76167562018915472922011-03-01T22:15:00.000-05:002011-03-01T22:15:54.373-05:00The generosity and the kindness of strangers that become friends<a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-C4TlcKOxrDs/TW20sK9ZvgI/AAAAAAAAADo/uLUeBb0telA/s1600/184816_1835917825094_1454933536_32107702_830833_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-C4TlcKOxrDs/TW20sK9ZvgI/AAAAAAAAADo/uLUeBb0telA/s200/184816_1835917825094_1454933536_32107702_830833_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>Wow I have recently had the most amazing experience. I was introduced through Facebook to a truly amazing soul <a href="http://kbbeaddesigns.com/VillagePeopleMSwalk.aspx">Kathleen Barone of KB Designs</a> in Massachusetts. She is a jewelry designer that loves to give back. She gives to all sorts of charities including the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. She has generously designed some MS awareness jewelry for me and will be donating 50% of the cost to our <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NCTWalkEvents?pg=team&fr_id=16142&team_id=224289">Village People</a> and <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/MAMWalkEvents?pg=team&fr_id=16723&team_id=226715">Village People North </a>MS Walk Teams in NC and NH. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-VQSL2jIrRu8/TW21NrwEHqI/AAAAAAAAADs/JpId9lRpzKg/s1600/190498_1835920865170_1454933536_32107707_7867331_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-VQSL2jIrRu8/TW21NrwEHqI/AAAAAAAAADs/JpId9lRpzKg/s200/190498_1835920865170_1454933536_32107707_7867331_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Having MS has opened so many doors to the generosity and kindness of strangers, who are now my friends. It continues to take my breath away. It really changes my outlook on mankind...I know that sounds really deep...but I have a knack with sarcasm and some cynicism. These people like Kathleen are proving that not all the world is hardened. People do want to help their neighbor. At the heart of it all people want to be a part of something bigger than themselves. They do want to give back. It restore my faith and gives me hope. You all know how I feel about hope! <br />
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I invite you to support my cause to find a CURE for MS. Click the link with Kathleen's name and you will directed to her website where you can purchase one or both. The bracelet is $25 with $12.50 going to NMSS and the earrings are $12.00 with $6.00 also going to NMSS.<br />
Welcome to my village...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-85155089892843934562011-02-22T15:47:00.003-05:002011-02-22T17:25:54.162-05:00Finding myself in a dream<div style="font: 16.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M9wiEGpU7TY/TWQi4ZwxSUI/AAAAAAAAADk/Od4Yuc16PKg/s1600/thumbnail.aspx.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-M9wiEGpU7TY/TWQi4ZwxSUI/AAAAAAAAADk/Od4Yuc16PKg/s1600/thumbnail.aspx.jpeg" /></a></div><br />
I am a dreamer. I am an idealist. I aspire to be the best I can be. Some people think that dreamers have their heads in the clouds and do not have rational thoughts of the future. They say we dream of the impossible and will only set ourselves up for disappointment. I beg to differ...</div><div style="font: 16.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 19.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 16.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"> I am living proof that dreamers can reach for the stars and bring them home. Dreamers have a vision of who and how they want to be. They can dream a plan of action and then put that plan in motion. If they are hungry enough they will do what is necessary to realize that dream. Dreamers are not wishy washy. They want the best and spend their lives trying to achieve it. I believe I can change my destiny. I believe that any obstacle is a challenge that can and will be overcome. I believe that when life throws you a curveball you can still swing for the fences.</div><div style="font: 16.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 19.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 16.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past couple of months. Searching my soul for who I was, but not who I am. My heart is pulling my dreams into new directions. Today I am no longer asking why my history is the way it was, but I ask myself how my future will be. This is a huge change for me. I feel like I am releasing some chains that have been holding me down for years. Instead of blaming the past for who I am, I am looking to the future to define who I want to be. </div><div style="font: 16.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 19.0px;"><br />
</div><div style="font: 16.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I have so many dreams...running the Boston Marathon, someday owning a little beach house where I can hear the ocean waves crash day and night, watching my girls grow up and follow their dreams. Some may say these dreams are not possible. They may say I am not strong enough to run Boston. They may say that I will never be able to afford my seaside home. They may say that MS will not allow me to to grow old and watch my children reach for the stars. Let them say what they may. Many told me I could not or should not run my race this past weekend. They doubted whether it could be done. Sometimes I doubted myself. That doubt gave way to will and determination. It showed me that no one could tell me if I could follow my dream. This weekend I had the best run of my life. Not because it was easy. Not because I achieved a personal record (PR). It was the best run of my life because it was my dream, and I ran it down.</div><div style="font: 16.0px Times; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 19.0px;"><br />
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</div><div style="font: 16.0px Verdana; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.<span style="font: normal normal normal 16px/normal 'Lucida Grande';"><b><br />
</b></span><b>Eleanor Roosevelt</b></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-68741767557069047232011-02-15T20:04:00.000-05:002011-02-15T20:04:18.405-05:00Hip Hip Hooray!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MR7g-D6BoJA/TVsiZdhJYYI/AAAAAAAAADg/DsgGVSV-owc/s1600/start+pic+for+homepage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MR7g-D6BoJA/TVsiZdhJYYI/AAAAAAAAADg/DsgGVSV-owc/s320/start+pic+for+homepage.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>This week is a big one. Today I had my one year follow up with the neurologist. I got a thumbs up with some minor tweaking with some meds. He seemed to forget my goal of running a half marathon this winter. I was able to sway him into supporting me (he is a runner himself, so it wasn't too hard). It's not like I would have not participated in the race, but it is nice to know that he does not think I am going to put myself back into a relapse. <br />
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So Saturday is racing day! Grabbing life by the horns this weekend and hoping to get a PR. I know, I know I had originally said I was going to run this just to prove to myself that I could but what the hell I may as well try to kick some ass (that being my own) and go for it! I am scared to death and also so excited to take on this challenge. It will be a true dream come true, crossing that finish line. Last August I thought I was done for...limping and hobbling along. I was beyond depressed and truly afraid of what was to come next. Well with A LOT of stubbornness, dedication, determination and tenacity I am here to say that I have run down this dream and on Saturday I will achieve it. There really is not a better feeling than giving it your all and then seeing yourself succeed.<br />
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While I have no idea what the future holds (do any of us really?) I am living in the moment this week and reaching for that brass ring. I will have no regrets that I did not do my best when I had my best to give. I encourage all of you to do the same...find something you want and go for it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-53898591260193608382011-01-05T11:42:00.000-05:002011-01-05T11:42:41.729-05:00one year after diagnosisI just spent the last few minutes reading my posts from last January. Seems like 100 years ago and yesterday all in the same breath. It's been a year now since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I can honesty say that this has been the most difficult year in my entire adult life. I thought once we had a name for what was wrong with me, as well as a plan to treat it we would be well on our way. This past year has shown me that no matter how prepared with a plan I think I am, always plan for a wrench in the situation. That's hard to do when the wrench is your health and daily living. Nothing could have prepared me for the physical and emotional pain and exhaustion I had felt through out 2010, nothing!<br />
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As I look back at my "year in review" post from last January I am reminded of the promise I made to myself, to look at my life as a glass half full, rather than half empty. So although the year was difficult in so many ways, there is also plenty to be grateful for, including those difficulties. <br />
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The most noticeable change for me was <i>within myself</i>. As I have mentioned before, I have always felt I was more full of "attitude" (good and bad) than full of "talent". I have always felt like an "underdog" in life. Always trying to prove something to someone, as a kid to my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my teachers, as an adult still my parents, my husband, my girls, my friends, even strangers but most of all it has always been myself. Some, ok many, have mentioned a chip on my shoulder. For as long as I can remember I have always felt this way. Even as I type this I think "this is crazy, I am a grown woman!" It is hard to explain the feeling and with last year's diagnosis I felt I was there again, an "underdog". The difference now is that having the attitude of an "underdog"doesn't feel so bad to me. I pushes me to be my best self. It pushes me to look past the challenges and see the victories. It reminds me to never count myself out. As someone who has quite the competitive spirit second place really has never been an option in my mind. I am reminded to see the everyday victories, not just the ones everyone else will see. No one is harder on me than myself. The expectations of being everything to everyone will always be in the back of my mind. The fighter in me can't let that go and I don't want to, it has served me well and made me who I am today. Changed, but the same.<br />
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The changes <i>with my family </i>I think bring a new understanding to my relationships. James is a man of few words and not one to be overly expressive (this is an understatement!). This past year we have grown closer than any other time in our 18 years together. He is my rock, the port in my storms. He keeps me grounded, but does not let me fall underground. He has shown me a love with few words, and many actions that has carried me through the dark times this past year. For this I am eternally grateful. My girls and I have grown even closer. Sharing our feelings, our concerns and our challenges of this past year together. I am hopeful that my sharing with them will enhance the foundation of our relationships. So that when they meet the challenges in their daily lives they will be confident in knowing that their mom will always be there to listen to them, cry with them and help lift them up when they think they cannot do it on their own.<br />
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The changes <i>with my friends</i> is a little different. I have found out who is really there for me, anytime I need them. I have found some of my relationships that were more of an acquaintance have blossomed into something that is more than I could have imagined. A true outpouring from a few women, strong in faith and their friendship to me. I have reconnected with old friends from 20+ years ago, who have been there for me over the past year, as if a day has not passed without seeing or speaking to me. Some that I thought would be in the trenches with me, have surprised me that they are not. Others, who I did not even think they knew where my trench was, have been down in the mud with me from the beginning of this journey. This past year has truly blessed me with a core group of support near and far away. I won't name names, you all know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being in my life.<br />
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So as this journey continues I choose to face my challenges head on...mental, physical and emotional. I again have a cup that overflows with inner strength, a loving family and the support of friends who will stand by my side with encouragement, love and the occasional kick in the ass when I need it. MS will try to bring me down and I will fall. However, I have confidence that with all that I have and all that I am this "underdog" will not only get back on her feet, she will be victorious!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-75255578485666726382010-12-31T10:28:00.000-05:002010-12-31T10:28:41.828-05:00Out with the old and in with the new<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">These Words of Wisdom were sent to me this morning and I thought it would be great to share them as we leave this year and look forward to the new year.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> *Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.<br />
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* So why is a car's windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on.<br />
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* Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.<br />
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*All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.<br />
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* Old Friends are gold, new friends are diamonds! If you get a diamond, don't forget your gold. To hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!<br />
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* Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!<br />
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* When God solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.<br />
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* A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!" <br />
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* When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them. When you are safe and happy, remember that someone has also prayed for you.<br />
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*Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As we head into the new year my wish for all of you is for GOOD HEALTH (take it from me, if you lose it you realize how important it is). PEACE in your heart (for this will give you what you need to face the challenges ahead). HOPE (for without hope we have no future). JOY (It is so important to find joy in every day. My mom reminds me quite often to never let anyone steal my joy. You shouldn't either). CONFIDENCE to face all the challenges that come your way (many times it just takes us to believe in ourselves to conquer all that is thrown our way, not a miracle). BELLY LAUGHS (they are good for the soul and quite contagious!). </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Finally I wish you LOVE (the love of many; your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, the love of a stranger to give random acts of kindness (and your ability to recognize that love and embrace it) and love of yourself (for if we cannot love ourselves, how can we fully love others?)</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Happy New Year my friends, I love you!!</span></span></span></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-22143441090241789822010-11-22T10:06:00.001-05:002018-09-24T11:57:36.561-04:00A road once traveled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So much has change over the last three months. After my MRI results and a steroid treatment in early September, slowly but surely I have gained strength and moved forward. I am feeling great. I have pushed through the storm and have sunny skies ahead. I cannot tell you how much I now appreciate feeling good. I am thankful for each day that is given to me. So much so, that as soon as I started feeling better I decided I needed to set a goal for myself. Challenge where I am today to where I could be.<br />
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So here I come Myrtle Beach Half Marathon!! I know, I know, many will think I am crazy, but this is giving me such a lift. I love a challenge and this will surely be one. I need to get that feeling back, the high of not only doing something good for myself, but the feeling of success after a run. Sure this will be different from races in the past. It will be a before and after makeover of sorts. I will need a new plan, I will need to change my expectations, however, I need to do this just to say that I did. Some will call it stubborn or foolish, I call it determination, "going confidently in the direction of my dreams" (Henry David Thoreau).<br />
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I look forward to this journey I have decided to take. I look forward to growing and realizing just how far I can push myself. I will be documenting the road I travel and hope you will come along for the ride. It's going to be a good one!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5818111516144776036.post-16839002648108030552010-08-30T11:36:00.004-04:002011-11-18T20:45:13.960-05:00Got hope?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_A5f1V4D02jE/THvOFJ0cInI/AAAAAAAAADE/9Cs1m8nX7Fk/s1600/hope.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_A5f1V4D02jE/THvOFJ0cInI/AAAAAAAAADE/9Cs1m8nX7Fk/s320/hope.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
As I look back on the last several months I am amazed at how my life has changed. At first I was sure I could "manage" this disease. Now I see that it will truly be life altering. My mind is on overload as I hobble around with very weak legs and a hunched back. I have difficulty with balance now. I am even more clumsy than before, bumping into walls and dropping things. My mind is a fog, which is making it very hard to remember things even with reminders. I am confused with the hustle and bustle of three active girls. I cannot focus.<br />
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Physically I used to be strong, at least much stronger than I am now. Last year I ran my second half marathon. This year I have not run since March and that was on a wing and a prayer. Last year I was able to juggle many different schedules, mine, James', and the girls'. This year I am dropping balls everywhere. Last year I took 4 pills a day. This year I take 15 and give myself daily injections.<br />
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I just had an MRI last Friday (an "urgent" one) after seeing my neurologist Thursday afternoon. We are going to have to look at changing my injections...to what I have no idea. Some of these drugs involve bigger needles ( side effects include flu like symptoms, headaches, muscle weakness, migraines and a slew of others). Some involve IV infusions monthly (with a risk of getting a rare virus that funny enough does exactly what it is supposed to, stop demyelination of the white matter in your brain and spinal cord. Only this is fast acting and will kill you). There is a new oral drug coming to the market hopefully next month (it has only been used in clinical trials (200-300 people involve vs. the 2.5 million world wide that have the disease) and has shown to, in some, cause skin cancer, heart problems and infections).<br />
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There are some people that are able to function as they always have with a relapse once or twice over a period of years. My life this year has had one stretch of 10 days (late spring) and a few (meaning 3-4) days where I felt "normal". There are some people that are truly crippled by this disease, in wheelchairs or even home and bed ridden.<br />
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While I am in the throws of this disease and managing my first year of officially being diagnosed with MS I REFUSE to let this disease beat me. I REFUSE to accept that this is the end of anything. I have HOPE that we will find a CURE. I have HOPE that my daughters will never have to worry about this disease attacking them. I have HOPE that I WILL run again. I have HOPE that I will be able to look into the sweet eyes of my girls and have an answer the questions "WHY DID YOU GET MS?" "WHEN ARE YOU NOT GOING TO HAVE IT ANYMORE?"<br />
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In two weeks we will be CELEBRATING Julia and Jenna's tenth and eighth birthdays in New Bern, NC. James has put together a team of six called "Go For Jo" to participate in the LARGEST bike ride in the country to support a charity. The MS Bike Ride in New Bern, NC holds shines a light of HOPE for funding new discoveries to the cause of this disease and then a CURE to end this once and for all. A HUGE thank you must go out to James along with Brian, Jeff, Dave, Matt and Mike (who is flying in for the ride) as they make up the team "Go For Jo ". Also a thank you to their families as they have taken time away from them to train, all in the name of supporting me<br />
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It is NOT TOO LATE to make a difference. If you are moved by my story and the 2.5 million world wide who have MS, I urge you to make a donation today. NO donation is too small. TOGETHER we WILL find a CURE. To make a donation cut and paste this link: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=13428&team_id=213980 .<br />
We are only $1160.00 away from our goal of $5000.00.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com3