Regrets...I've had a few

Last Saturday I was just arriving at my Auntie's house.  A last minute trip up to Massachusetts under very sad circumstances.  My Uncle Bucci had passed away late Thursday night.  He fought his battle for 8 years when they only gave him 5 years to live.  He made promises during that time and amazed me that he was able to keep them.  It was time for him to be with God and in peace.  The weekend was extremely emotional for me.  This was truly what I saw as the last morsel of food that could possibly be put on my already overflowing plate.  I had a lot of time to think on the plane rides up and back.  I had time to reflect on my own life and situations.  What my regrets are and what I could do to possibly make those outcomes different...could I fix the mistakes I had made? Could I make things right with people I had disappointed and hurt?  Could I stick with my decisions that hurt me to the core and continue on, knowing that in the long run my life would be better...eventually?

When people die I think we all reflect on the would have, could have, should haves.  When is it enough to just say we are sorry?  Is it enough to recognize our mistakes, big and small, and just move on?  Do we need to change people's minds about how they see us, compared to who we really are?  Will we always be judged by our mistakes?  When have we done enough to really be able to say "I have no regrets"?  Right now I am not sure that is possible.  I was told this weekend that I carry the weight of other people's worries.  That in doing so I am only hurting myself in the long run.  It is very difficult for me to let things go.  I know it is not healthy, nor do the people I concern myself with even realize that I am carrying their pain.

I would like to think that I am one who forgives others once they have apologized.  Forgiveness does give me a sense of letting go.  Problem is I do not know how to apologize to myself and therefore forgive myself.  This year has been a doozy with so many life changing decisions.  When decisions are this big, no matter how much I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, doubt can creep in and f@#k with my mind. 

As this year continues moving forward I need to find out how to live with no regrets.   To let go of those things that I have no control over, especially how other people feel about me and perhaps how I feel about myself.  If anyone has any suggestions feel free to share....