I have been struggling the past week and a half to find words to describe how I feel about my high school friend's passing. I have wanted to write my thoughts down and let them go. I have sat many times to write and the words just do not come to me.
I am conflicted in many of my thoughts. I want to be mad, sad...I want to kick and scream from the rooftop that LIFE IS NOT FAIR!! I want to curl into a ball and cry...I want this to be a bad dream. At the same time I feel like I need to run out and grab life by the horns and give it a good shake. I need to live the moment...smell the flowers, enjoy the sunshine and then the pitter patter of the rain. I need to squeeze my babies and fill them with every ounce of love I have...just in case. I want to call and write all the people I know to tell them how much I love them, how wonderful they are and how I am blessed to have them. I want to have NO REGRETS!
Well life is certainly not fair and no one ever said it would be...but life is also what we make it. We can choose to hide. We can choose to be mad and sad. We can choose to throw a temper tantrum when things do not go our way. That may feel good for a moment, but what's next?
What if we choose to show our face, if we choose to smile, if we choose to laugh and to sing? What if we choose to dance and not care if anyone is watching? What if we choose to enjoy each day we have, no matter what it brings? What if we choose to LOVE BIG and to GIVE MORE and to BE HAPPY? What will happen next?
I think about how my friend Karla lived. She had a zest for life. She had a huge heart. She had a beautiful smile. I think that is what I will remember most, her smile. So in the words of Charlie Chaplin and in honor of my friend Karla who is in Heaven smiling down I choose to smile.
"Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.
If you smile through your pain and sorrow, Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through For you.
Light up your face with gladness, Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile."
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Motivation
I just finished looking at a friend's fundraising page (http://www.firstgiving.com/robprunier) for his upcoming run at THE Boston Marathon. Since I started running a couple of years ago I have always had this little (ok BIG) dream that some day I would run Boston. I still hold onto that dream and hold it as my ultimate goal. With that said it's kind of funny to have such a goal when I have run only a handful of times since November's half marathon in OBX.
My friend Rob is running Boston this year and then following up that run with another marathon 2 weeks later in Vancouver. CRAZY?!?! yes, inspirational most definitely! Rob started running only a couple of years ago, just like me. We went to high school together, so we are the same age...therefore I think if he can do it so can I. I may not be running 26.2 miles with him in April, but I have signed up for a 5 mile run two weeks from today, that benefits MS. Perhaps this will be my starting point for training. It would give me a year + to get my miles up. I could do a half marathon in the fall and just continue to up my mileage over the winter with the ultimate goal of running Boston in 2011.
I am sure that you all think I am crazy for even considering this....maybe I am. Even so, today I actually feel like it is something I can do. I am going to lace up my sneakers this morning and take that first, next step toward Boston. Without putting the cart before the horse I will prepare myself as best I can for the race in 2 weeks. The power of positive thinking and taking one step at a time.
Thanks Rob for inspiring me to get back out there. To put my feet on the road and to take another step. Thanks for reminding me that with hard work and determination we can achieve our dreams. I am still running down that dream....
My friend Rob is running Boston this year and then following up that run with another marathon 2 weeks later in Vancouver. CRAZY?!?! yes, inspirational most definitely! Rob started running only a couple of years ago, just like me. We went to high school together, so we are the same age...therefore I think if he can do it so can I. I may not be running 26.2 miles with him in April, but I have signed up for a 5 mile run two weeks from today, that benefits MS. Perhaps this will be my starting point for training. It would give me a year + to get my miles up. I could do a half marathon in the fall and just continue to up my mileage over the winter with the ultimate goal of running Boston in 2011.
I am sure that you all think I am crazy for even considering this....maybe I am. Even so, today I actually feel like it is something I can do. I am going to lace up my sneakers this morning and take that first, next step toward Boston. Without putting the cart before the horse I will prepare myself as best I can for the race in 2 weeks. The power of positive thinking and taking one step at a time.
Thanks Rob for inspiring me to get back out there. To put my feet on the road and to take another step. Thanks for reminding me that with hard work and determination we can achieve our dreams. I am still running down that dream....
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Life is good
Well here I am a few weeks out from the other shoe having dropped. Since having the official diagnosis of MS now twice, reality has set in. I have been to see the doctor and will have my specialty pharmacy sending the very expensive drug out this week. I cannot even think about the process of learning how to inject myself every day and then seeing if I have any side effects. Just not ready to go there yet. I would rather focus on the good that has already come out of this.
Since being diagnosed less than three weeks ago I have had such an outpouring of support. Friends who I have not seen in years have rallied around me. I have a couple new friends that are close to the disease one has it and the other has a mom with MS. People who did not even know I existed 3 weeks ago lifting me up and encouraging me to fight. Plus all the great people I have had by my side from the beginning. I am amazed and I am blessed.
Once I was given the second opinion I felt overwhelmed and a little helpless. I was not sure where to turn, what to do or where to go. I felt like I truly had lost a part of me and unfortunately gained another part that I really did not want. As you can see from my last post I needed to regain some control. Not over how I felt physically...it pains me to say that I may never have that again. Mentally though...that was another thing. I decided to enlist the help of my family and friends to be a part of a team for the MS Walk in Raleigh. To do something good for myself and others who carry this disease with them every day.
I am so moved by those who have pledged to join me here in Raleigh. I am amazed at the generous spirits of so many to financially support this endeavor. I am without words for how I feel about two very special friends from long ago who have decided to head up their own team in NH. In less than three weeks they have rallied friends and family to join them (and now me) in walking and fundraising for the MS Society's Central New England Chapter. We now have a friendly challenge to see who can raise the most funds. (Don't tell Ellen and Sean, but I plan to kick their butts!!!)
The days are still unpredictable and frustrating. The pain and other symptoms are still ever present. But somehow focusing on the good that can come from the situation is dulling it all just a little. I think we all have a choice in life. We may not get to choose what happens to us. We may not get to choose our circumstances. We may not get to choose the road we travel. What we do get to choose is how we respond to the curve balls life throws at us. We can let all the difficulties throw a dark shadow over all that is good in our lives. We can huddle under the covers and hope it passes on it's own. We can get swallowed up in the pain and the "why me's". It can happen to the best of us...getting caught up in what has gone wrong instead of what is still right.
In order to survive, in order to have the best life possible we must pull ourselves back up by our bootstraps. We must take that baby step forward. We must not let our spirits be crushed by things we cannot control. I was chatting with a friend today. We were talking about high school sports. I reminded him of who I was then and who I still am now. I may not have been the fastest or the most talented athlete, but I sure did have heart. I was a scrappy player who gave it her all. No one could ever say that I did not give 100%. I always felt I had something to prove. I am still that same girl. My brother Donnie shared with me a great quote back in December, after my initial diagnosis...
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man
But soon or late, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.
I am still trying to prove to myself and anyone else who will listen that I have heart. I have a desire to live a full life. I have a desire to help others and in turn I help myself. I may not feel good physically. I may have to make some adjustments along the way. But one thing is for sure, I'll be damned if this disease is going to take my heart.
I would like to encourage all of you, no matter what life is throwing at you today to remember that you have a choice. With that choice brings power. The power to be happy. This week I have heard some bad news...a battle was lost to cancer, leaving behind a family heartbroken, one that mourns the loss of their mommy and their wife. I did not know this woman, but have many friends that did. She fought the good fight. She never gave in. She found the joy in every day. She LIVED. She made the choice and chose to be happy.
I ask that you all take a look at your own lives...are you making the choice to live? Are you making the choice to be happy? Are you looking around to see what you do have? Are you reaching out and grabbing it?
Time is so short...we should not waste it on what we do not have...we should all embrace the blessings we do have. So find someone to hug. Find someone to kiss. Find someone to share a belly laugh. Find someone to share LIFE with, because LIFE IS GOOD.
Since being diagnosed less than three weeks ago I have had such an outpouring of support. Friends who I have not seen in years have rallied around me. I have a couple new friends that are close to the disease one has it and the other has a mom with MS. People who did not even know I existed 3 weeks ago lifting me up and encouraging me to fight. Plus all the great people I have had by my side from the beginning. I am amazed and I am blessed.
Once I was given the second opinion I felt overwhelmed and a little helpless. I was not sure where to turn, what to do or where to go. I felt like I truly had lost a part of me and unfortunately gained another part that I really did not want. As you can see from my last post I needed to regain some control. Not over how I felt physically...it pains me to say that I may never have that again. Mentally though...that was another thing. I decided to enlist the help of my family and friends to be a part of a team for the MS Walk in Raleigh. To do something good for myself and others who carry this disease with them every day.
I am so moved by those who have pledged to join me here in Raleigh. I am amazed at the generous spirits of so many to financially support this endeavor. I am without words for how I feel about two very special friends from long ago who have decided to head up their own team in NH. In less than three weeks they have rallied friends and family to join them (and now me) in walking and fundraising for the MS Society's Central New England Chapter. We now have a friendly challenge to see who can raise the most funds. (Don't tell Ellen and Sean, but I plan to kick their butts!!!)
The days are still unpredictable and frustrating. The pain and other symptoms are still ever present. But somehow focusing on the good that can come from the situation is dulling it all just a little. I think we all have a choice in life. We may not get to choose what happens to us. We may not get to choose our circumstances. We may not get to choose the road we travel. What we do get to choose is how we respond to the curve balls life throws at us. We can let all the difficulties throw a dark shadow over all that is good in our lives. We can huddle under the covers and hope it passes on it's own. We can get swallowed up in the pain and the "why me's". It can happen to the best of us...getting caught up in what has gone wrong instead of what is still right.
In order to survive, in order to have the best life possible we must pull ourselves back up by our bootstraps. We must take that baby step forward. We must not let our spirits be crushed by things we cannot control. I was chatting with a friend today. We were talking about high school sports. I reminded him of who I was then and who I still am now. I may not have been the fastest or the most talented athlete, but I sure did have heart. I was a scrappy player who gave it her all. No one could ever say that I did not give 100%. I always felt I had something to prove. I am still that same girl. My brother Donnie shared with me a great quote back in December, after my initial diagnosis...
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man
But soon or late, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.
I am still trying to prove to myself and anyone else who will listen that I have heart. I have a desire to live a full life. I have a desire to help others and in turn I help myself. I may not feel good physically. I may have to make some adjustments along the way. But one thing is for sure, I'll be damned if this disease is going to take my heart.
I would like to encourage all of you, no matter what life is throwing at you today to remember that you have a choice. With that choice brings power. The power to be happy. This week I have heard some bad news...a battle was lost to cancer, leaving behind a family heartbroken, one that mourns the loss of their mommy and their wife. I did not know this woman, but have many friends that did. She fought the good fight. She never gave in. She found the joy in every day. She LIVED. She made the choice and chose to be happy.
I ask that you all take a look at your own lives...are you making the choice to live? Are you making the choice to be happy? Are you looking around to see what you do have? Are you reaching out and grabbing it?
Time is so short...we should not waste it on what we do not have...we should all embrace the blessings we do have. So find someone to hug. Find someone to kiss. Find someone to share a belly laugh. Find someone to share LIFE with, because LIFE IS GOOD.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
wordle
My friend Carmen has a great word block on her blog. I loved it so much I decided to make my own. Very cool and addicting fun. You can make your own at www.wordle.net/create tons of fun!!!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Shine
This is my first year participating in the MS Walk. Last year at this time I had just completed my first half marathon (January 19.2009). I could not have told you then what Multiple Sclerosis (MS) was. I knew it was a disease, but nothing more. I could not have told you how long the journey would be from symptoms to diagnosis. I could not have told you that many MS patients have to wait months, even years to get the official diagnosis. I could not have told you the daily challanges one must face with MS or about the physical and mental pain someone with MS has to endure. I could not have told you of the total loss of control over ones body that occurs with MS. I could not have told you how it feels to fail at being a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, all because you are too exhausted to function. I could not have told you how easy it would be for an extrovert to become an introvert. I could not have told you how difficult it is to tell your three little girls that once again "Mommy does not feel good" or the pain that can consume you when you look into those eyes only to see their disappointment of another day "Mommy needs to rest". LAST YEAR I COULD NOT HAVE PUT A FACE TO THIS DISEASE...
Well that was then and this is now. On January 21, 2010 I got confirmation by a second MS specialist. The face I will see when I hear the words Multiple Sclerosis will be my own. It's been a long year. It has been quite a journey up to this point. The road called Life has taken an unexpected turn in a direction no one would willingly choose for themselves. I may not have chosen this path, but He who did is where my faith lies. This journey is not my plan, but His. I will follow. As I follow I find that my plans are still the same, to be a devoted wife, to be a momma who encourages, inspires & supports my girls to be the best they can be. To be a friend who treats her friends the way she wants to be treated.
So when I ask you to support me in this new challenge, I ask you to SHINE a light on all who are stricken with this disease. I ask you to SHINE a light on the fact that there is no cure for MS. I ask you to SHINE a light on how much work needs to be done. I ask that when you think of MS, you think of me and that thought makes you want to SHINE a light on HOPE. Together, we will find a cure. Please walk with me April 24, 2010 at the RBC Center in Raleigh, NC. Please be a part of my team (The Village People). Please thoughtfully consider donating to the cause. My goal is to raise $5000. To SHINE my light on a CURE.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
First 2 weeks of the new year
Well nobody said life was easy or fair did they? The last two weeks for me are one for the records books...and not the kind you want to keep. Since just before Christmas James and I have been trying to move forward with the diagnosis of MS. We decided that a second opinion would be the first step to take, along with researching drug therapies. Well it has been the longest three weeks we have had in a while. I do not know how many times I have read and reread my last post from New Year's day. Trying to keep myself in a a positive frame of mind while managing pain and exhaustion.
Those of you who know me well know I have a "sense of urgency". This is a phrase of have used in all aspects of my life, whether it be when I was working outside the home or now when I am home and volunteering. I have had a "let's get this done" kind of attitude. I like to consider myself a mover and a shaker...a doer...a woman of action...a go-getter...a grab life by the horns kind of girl, you get my point. I think this also classifies me as a "type A" personality also known as a "control freak."
These last two weeks have been nothing but humbling to me. As my health seems to spiral out of control and the medical community, in my eyes, taking no notice at all...I realize once again how little control I have. Doctor's offices not returning phone calls, not responding to their colleagues in a timely manner, the protocol and office politics are just enough to make a sane person crazy! Thankfully I have family and friends who pull me back from the edge. I thank God for putting these people in my life, for without them I have no idea where I would be.
After three weeks of trying to get a second opinion scheduled and finding that my first choice(3 hours away in Charlotte) was not available until April and the second choice (in Winston-Salem) was not available until the end of February, my third choice (in Chapel Hill) was not available for 18 MONTHS (seriously would anyone wait this long, ever?!?!?) and a fourth choice (in Charlotte and not even in the original plan) was not available for a month I had pretty much had enough. I was waiting for the doctor's to work all this out...BIG MISTAKE. Now after MUCH persistence, crying and a nose to the grindstone attitude I have an appointment next week locally. There were rules that needed to be bent. There were assurances that this would NOT be my doctor. I have been told that this is an exception, so many times, that I think they think I am a little slow on the uptake.
With that said I feel a small, tiny sense of relief. I feel that progress is being made. This does not take away any of my symptoms, in fact the process may have contributed to my most recent "flare up". Stress does not bode well for anyone who is seeking a second opinion. It amazes me that the medical community as a whole is so detached that this type of scenario is the "norm" not the exception.
I think I have an idea of what will happen next week...but one never knows. This roller coaster ride is an adventure to put it nicely. Twists, turns, reverse mode...you name it and it has happened. The best thing to come out of the past few weeks is a knowledge of no matter how crazy and unpredictable this ride is I have a solid support system in place. I have three beautiful girls who have learned how to be caregivers themselves with their words of encouragement, prayers and hugs. I have the absolute BEST friends anyone could ask for who have stepped up, filled in and helped me find those damn boot straps to pull myself up again.
And once again I remember that I am blessed.
Those of you who know me well know I have a "sense of urgency". This is a phrase of have used in all aspects of my life, whether it be when I was working outside the home or now when I am home and volunteering. I have had a "let's get this done" kind of attitude. I like to consider myself a mover and a shaker...a doer...a woman of action...a go-getter...a grab life by the horns kind of girl, you get my point. I think this also classifies me as a "type A" personality also known as a "control freak."
These last two weeks have been nothing but humbling to me. As my health seems to spiral out of control and the medical community, in my eyes, taking no notice at all...I realize once again how little control I have. Doctor's offices not returning phone calls, not responding to their colleagues in a timely manner, the protocol and office politics are just enough to make a sane person crazy! Thankfully I have family and friends who pull me back from the edge. I thank God for putting these people in my life, for without them I have no idea where I would be.
After three weeks of trying to get a second opinion scheduled and finding that my first choice(3 hours away in Charlotte) was not available until April and the second choice (in Winston-Salem) was not available until the end of February, my third choice (in Chapel Hill) was not available for 18 MONTHS (seriously would anyone wait this long, ever?!?!?) and a fourth choice (in Charlotte and not even in the original plan) was not available for a month I had pretty much had enough. I was waiting for the doctor's to work all this out...BIG MISTAKE. Now after MUCH persistence, crying and a nose to the grindstone attitude I have an appointment next week locally. There were rules that needed to be bent. There were assurances that this would NOT be my doctor. I have been told that this is an exception, so many times, that I think they think I am a little slow on the uptake.
With that said I feel a small, tiny sense of relief. I feel that progress is being made. This does not take away any of my symptoms, in fact the process may have contributed to my most recent "flare up". Stress does not bode well for anyone who is seeking a second opinion. It amazes me that the medical community as a whole is so detached that this type of scenario is the "norm" not the exception.
I think I have an idea of what will happen next week...but one never knows. This roller coaster ride is an adventure to put it nicely. Twists, turns, reverse mode...you name it and it has happened. The best thing to come out of the past few weeks is a knowledge of no matter how crazy and unpredictable this ride is I have a solid support system in place. I have three beautiful girls who have learned how to be caregivers themselves with their words of encouragement, prayers and hugs. I have the absolute BEST friends anyone could ask for who have stepped up, filled in and helped me find those damn boot straps to pull myself up again.
And once again I remember that I am blessed.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Year in Review
Wow...another month, another year, another decade...where does the time go? So many ways to look back and reflect. This year I am going to show myself how far I have come. I am going to focus on the things that made my glass half full. So many times I have looked back over years and see things I want to change, things that I regret doing or not doing. Focusing on what went wrong, not what went right, focusing on things that need to be "let go"...
This year I gained drops of spiritual strength and found that yet again when I ask He will provide for my heart and soul, no matter how long I may stray.
I gained drops of maternal strength. I watched in amazement when Jackie had surgery and healed her body with a resilience in only the way a 4 year old could. I've seen my Jenna go to both ends of the spectrum of emotions and find ways to make better choices. I remember how hard it was to see beauty in myself when I was 9 (and many other ages!) and am finding ways to show my Beautiful Julia ways to see her own beauty and build her self confidence. I have been lifted up by the arms of a five year old's embrace. I have been crying with laughter by a 7 year old's gift of humor. I have been brought to my knees with pride by the determination of a 9 year old to always do her best.
I have gained drops of physical strength as I trained and completed two half marathons despite the fact of being diagnosed with MS.
I have gained drops of inner strength. I have found this past year that deep down inside of myself I am a fighter. I have a will and a desire to live a full, productive life. I have determination and drive. I have a competitive spirit that makes me strive to be the best I can be. I have a giving heart and find much reward in giving something of myself to others. I have a sense of humor and the ability to make people laugh, even when all they want to do is cry. I have found a way to shed negativity and look for the positive. I have dug deep and pulled myself up by my bootstraps on more than one occasion this past year.
As I reread what I have written I am happy. I am grateful. I can appreciate the fact that this year has been very difficult in many ways but with that difficulty I became a better me. Without all the challenges I would not have grown. I would not have started to seek out the little drops in the bucket, the small victories that make it worth taking that next step. All the little drops add up over the year. I have gained more than half a glass full of drops. My cup is overflowing.
As you all reflect on this past year I encourage you to look for the positive, to let go of the negative and to try to see the small drops in your glass. It is empowering & uplifting to be able to find the beauty in your own self. I am hoping that my daughters will be able to see their beauty well before they turn 40. If not, I pray that when they do, they will see that all that has happened in their life has made them the amazingly, unique, beautiful women they have become.
"...my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life"
Psalm 23:5
This year I gained drops of spiritual strength and found that yet again when I ask He will provide for my heart and soul, no matter how long I may stray.
I gained drops of maternal strength. I watched in amazement when Jackie had surgery and healed her body with a resilience in only the way a 4 year old could. I've seen my Jenna go to both ends of the spectrum of emotions and find ways to make better choices. I remember how hard it was to see beauty in myself when I was 9 (and many other ages!) and am finding ways to show my Beautiful Julia ways to see her own beauty and build her self confidence. I have been lifted up by the arms of a five year old's embrace. I have been crying with laughter by a 7 year old's gift of humor. I have been brought to my knees with pride by the determination of a 9 year old to always do her best.
I have gained drops of physical strength as I trained and completed two half marathons despite the fact of being diagnosed with MS.
I have gained drops of inner strength. I have found this past year that deep down inside of myself I am a fighter. I have a will and a desire to live a full, productive life. I have determination and drive. I have a competitive spirit that makes me strive to be the best I can be. I have a giving heart and find much reward in giving something of myself to others. I have a sense of humor and the ability to make people laugh, even when all they want to do is cry. I have found a way to shed negativity and look for the positive. I have dug deep and pulled myself up by my bootstraps on more than one occasion this past year.
As I reread what I have written I am happy. I am grateful. I can appreciate the fact that this year has been very difficult in many ways but with that difficulty I became a better me. Without all the challenges I would not have grown. I would not have started to seek out the little drops in the bucket, the small victories that make it worth taking that next step. All the little drops add up over the year. I have gained more than half a glass full of drops. My cup is overflowing.
As you all reflect on this past year I encourage you to look for the positive, to let go of the negative and to try to see the small drops in your glass. It is empowering & uplifting to be able to find the beauty in your own self. I am hoping that my daughters will be able to see their beauty well before they turn 40. If not, I pray that when they do, they will see that all that has happened in their life has made them the amazingly, unique, beautiful women they have become.
"...my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life"
Psalm 23:5
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