The gift that keeps on giving

 

Last week we started our fundraising efforts for my MS Walk team the Village People.  This is the earliest we have ever started.  We had a great day and evening with a golf tournament and then a live auction after dinner at my favorite wine bar, Niche.  I had a group of folks who rallied and really put this all together for me.  Ted, Jill, Leigh and Amika you all are so special to me.  We raised awareness with signs posted at the golf course, as well as speaking about the disease at the auction.  We raised money!!  Over $3000.00!!  We also raised something a little bit more important to me than all of that, we raised a sense of community.

"Love thy neighbor", so to speak. 

 

Before we began organizing this event I had never met Jill or Leigh.  Ted has been a good friend for some time and Amika, well we were just starting to grow our friendship.  These four people really put their all in for me and for MS.  They found sponsors, golfers, donors for the auction and the goodie bags along with dinner and entertainment.  Jill was able to get us on the front page of the Holly Springs Sun (an excellent opportunity to share what MS is and who I am as a mother of three with MS), as well as a follow up this past week.  There were many people I knew who were going to golf that day and there were many I did not know.  I tried to introduce myself to all of them and thank them personally, I hope I did not miss anyone!  We had a fantastic surprise that day as well.  Jill was back at the snack bar getting ready to fill up the cart.  There was a gentleman there that asked her what was going on today, with all the banners and signs everywhere.  She told him about me and our cause Multiple Sclerosis.  Their conversation ended and they went their seperate ways.  Jill came back a short time later and he was waiting for her.  He said I wanted to give you something for your fundraiser.  He handed her a check, she said thanks very much and again they parted ways.  Jill did not look at the check until the gentleman was gone and she was back in the cart with Amika.  She opened it up and saw a check for $250.00.  She and Amika tracked us down on the golf course to share the news.  I of course went to tears. 

 

Later that night we headed back to Niche for dinner, thanks to Big Mike's BBQ.  You have got to try his blue cheese cole slaw.  I died and went to heaven eating it!  The bar filled up, some people we knew and others we did not.  We were blessed to have Long Time Gone our friends Ed and Mike perform for us.  A big treat for all.  Ted thanked everyone and announced the winners (Erika Monty's family ran away with a few prizes!!).  Then Michael was given the microphone to MC the auction.  Michael shared personal information about MS, about me and about this group of people who had come together earlier in the day.  He was able to get folks that had no idea what we were doing that day and night to open their wallets and contribute to a cause they may have known nothing about and a woman they had literally seen introduced only moments before.  Thanks to Ted, Aldo and Bob for putting themselves up on the auction block!  Michael thanks for all your efforts!!

 

So that sums up our event, short and sweet.  There is a pattern in this summary.  It is a pattern of giving, of one's time, resources, talents, and of course funds.  So many people took part in the golf tournament and auction.  So many volunteered and gave from their hearts.  If you have followed this blog at all you know how blessed I have been in the past by the kindness of others.  Not because they were looking for something in return, because their hearts led them to give something of themselves.  I have a bunch of new friends in town, got to know some I already knew a little bit better and had my core group right there with me.  While I am beyond overwhelmed at the money we were able to raise and the generosity of so many, what really touches my heart is the kindness and love that was shared by so many.  Yes, I want to raise money for a cure & yes, I want to raise awareness for MS...but more importantly to me, is to share God's greatest gift...LOVE.  The Almighty was present that day, in every detail.  He encouraged all of this support. He had everyone in place right where He needed them to be, to do what He needed them to do.    There is no doubt in my mind who's Mighty Hand was held over this event.  I thank God for all of you.  I thank Him for putting you in my life, whether for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

I leave you with this...
"And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love"
1Corinthians 13:13

Painting a picture

 

I have been told by a couple different people to write down how I see my "new life".  How I picture it in my mind.  How do I actually see myself "happy"?  Who is with me?  Where am I? How will I know I have made it???  To finish out this post I am going to attempt to share that painted picture that is in my mind.  It comes from the heart of a dreamer and this my friends is completely honest.

I close my eyes and I feel the warmth of the morning sun.  I hear the crash of the waves and smell the salt in the air.  I feel the sand between my toes as I dig my feet in deeper and deeper.   As I take a deep breath in, I hear myself sigh with happiness.  I open my eyes and look out at the mighty ocean God has created.  I see it daily and it reminds me of times when I could not feel the bottom from under my feet.  It reminds me that each day is a gift and to accept it wholeheartedly.  It also reminds me that although the ocean waters are mighty and fierce.  The One who created them is the mightiest and the fiercest and He is by my side, just as He promised. 

As I look over the dunes, I smell the coffee in my hands.  It gives me the extra boost in the morning.  Soon I hear music and laughter spilling out from the kitchen windows of my humble home.  As I look back towards the house that my girls and I have made into a home, I see that is it battered and has a few scars of it's own.  Yet when I take a deeper look I can see inside the windows.  There I see my babies (they will always be my babies) a few years older, still as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. There is joy in their voices, there is happiness in their hearts.  They have learned through my mistakes that life is not fair.  No one has ever promised that it would be.  Although I know they will make many of their own mistakes, I pray they do not follow the path I chose of most resistance.  I pray that they follow a path that brings them challenges and as they gain strength and overcome those challenges they feel the joy still in their own hearts.  When I look again I see that this battered up home is a symbol of who I am.  I have many scars some in full view and others one may have to look really close to see.  However behind those scars I see a light in my eyes and joy in my soul, just as I see the love flowing through the windows of my home. 
I close my eyes and thank God for my life.  The good, bad and the ugly, for this is what has made me who I am today.  As I listen to the sounds of my favorite things and find myself lost in a dream, my boy Jake comes up from his morning swim and shakes his soaking wet body all around me.  I open my eyes and smile and realize that this is not a dream...this is my life. 

Coming clean

Well I am back again.  Back to the place where I feel I can write and express what is in my heart.  In the past this blog has been a cathartic exercise for me...although if I am honest with you and myself, many times in the past I have written how I wish my life would be, not the actual truth.  So I guess I am admitting to you all that I am a liar.  To you and to myself.  To make myself feel better I will say it was for self preservation...however the truth is the truth, and I have not always been truthful in what I have shared.
In January of 2011 I told my husband I wanted a divorce.  It is now July 2012 and we are still trying to get through the process.  This past year and a half has been HELL for my entire family.  I have turned my world and the world of others upside down.  I did it by choice.  Out of respect for my husband and family I will not get into the nitty gritty of it all...it would not solve anything and perhaps it would hurt some in the process and I do not want that at all.  I will say that I am confident in my decision and that when I look in the mirror every morning I know I am doing the right thing.  While knowing this is the right thing for me and my girls (and frankly for my husband) it is the absolute most difficult thing I have ever had to hit head on in my life.  If you ask people what the most difficult and stressful things one may face in life they will say death, divorce, moving...those are usually the top three.  What I have come to realize is that divorce is all of that rolled up int one.  The death of a marriage (will be 17 years in October and a total of 20 years together the same month), the divorce itself...shattering a family and the life it has always known and finally moving.  Moving in my case is physical and emotional.  Our house is on the market and he has moved into a new home of his own. 
When rumors of this break up first started to surface last year I denied, denied, denied.  It was my right.  I didn't want people to talk (they ALWAYS do regardless).  I didn't want people to see me as a failure, which I carried for a long time and have finally let go.  I did not want to be the topic of conversation at the pool and then walk up to everyone hushing their voices as I approached.  Lesson learned, it doesn't matter what I want, people will do what they will do...it is just who we are...human.  We actively make choices to judge or not to judge.  Sometimes we think we don't judge, yet subconsciously if we really look we are guilty.  Look I judge myself all the time!! 

Now that it is all in the open my family needs to find our new "normal" whatever the hell that means!  What is normal anyway?  I think it is different for every person.  As I go through the journey before me and look back at where I started, the road is long in both directions.  I have a very small hand full of friends that know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I am fortunate to have that hand full...many have none that they can trust literally with their lives, I can firmly say that I do.  For that I am blessed. 

As I share this journey with you, I want to share my source of strength.  I want to share that I am not perfect and I have many faults.  I am not here as an example.  I am not someone to admire.  I am just a woman who finally decided to make a change.  To do that I have had to break a few too many hearts along the way.  I have had to make difficult choices and will have to continue to do so.  I will come out of this with many, many scars.  Yet, I still know with all that, that I am making the right decision.  I am on the right path, as difficult as it may be.

My strength comes from God and His mercy.  It comes from the people He puts into my life to lead, comfort, encourage and kick me in the ass.  For without God I am nothing.  I am trying my best to keep my head above water...treading, quietly and steadily until I can put my feet down and feel the ocean floor.  It will all happen in His time, not mine.  It will all work out for the good of His will not mine.  I stand on the promise that He made to protect me from the storms and the crashing waves. 

"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand" Isaiah 41:10

mighty strong face of ms, let the fundraising begin!

How does that saying go???  Oh yeah...
What does not kill us makes us stronger
Multiple Sclerosis has attacked millions of  people worldwide and that number keeps growing.  It is a debilitating disease that is completely unpredictable.  No two cases are alike, yet we all have the same disease.  Our symptoms vary from physical to cognitive and if you are really lucky like me, you get to have some of each!!  This disease is a bitch, plain and simple.  She can rear her ugly head at any time, always uninvited.  For me she can literally knock me to my knees.  This past year she has attacked me with physical symptoms including complete and utter exhaustion, balance & gait issues, pain up and down my left side, along with numbness and tingling in my hands, arms, legs and feet (a constant).  She grabs a hold of my back and squeezes so hard around my rib cage that I feel  like I cannot take another breath.   She also attacks my mind, giving me moderate to severe impairments with my memory, my ability to process information & my concentration.  She has literally scarred my brain.  This bitch needs to go...

Personally I think that the way to fight back against MS all starts with my attitude.  Just like anything else life deals me, my attitude can change my outlook on even the worst situation. Of course there will be days when I fall into that dark hole, however I have a choice as to how long I decide to stay there.  I am human after all and I will fall, however I consciously make the choice to stand up tall in my stilettos (I have given up the boots and the straps this year!!) and take the smallest step forward.  After that first step, I take another and another.  Before I know it I am moving forward.

The MS Walk teams that I captain make a huge difference.  We have bigger goals than last year and I know that we will exceed those goals with your support.  I am asking you to be a part of my team. Join The Village People as we raise awareness, funds and positive encouragement to those afflicted with this debilitating disease.  Help me to help others who are having a hard time seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.  Together we can give HOPE to those who are hopeless.  We can encourage Faith in those who have none.  We can embrace each other with LOVE and make a difference.  We can work together to find a CURE.

No donation is too large or too small...every penny counts!  I ask again this year for you to share your blessings with me because...
 I am one Mighty Strong face of MS.

Just checking in

Wow, time really does fly by, even when we are in the midst of difficult times.  To say this past year has been a rough one would be an understatement.  While I am not quite ready to write about those difficulties, I am ready to start writing my first book.  It is a work in progress and sharing with all of you that I am going to do this will hopefully keep me focused to the task at hand.  I am going to start small and see where it takes me.  

As some of you know my oldest Julia has struggled in school for a while.  Well she came home today with a certificate for honor roll.  We went to go visit her teacher from last year to show her how well she did.  Her teacher looked her in the eye and said "what did I tell you?  You can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to believe in yourself. Do you believe in yourself now?" Julia replied "YES!"  Sharing in the moment with my oldest baby made me realize that we just need to believe in ourselves and we can do anything we put our mind to.  I must also mention that my brother Donnie earlier in the week gave me similar advice..."you just have to believe you can do it". 

Last week I received some results from some cognitive tests I had taken in October.  They took my by surprise as they said I have moderately severe impairments when it comes to my memory and my processing all thanks goes to MS.  The good news...I have above average language skills.  I have always loved to write.  Something about the written word...it is truly an outlet for me.  So now that I have taken a week to digest the results, I realize that I will have to come up with some strategies and coping mechanisms to keep my focus.  I am so grateful to still be able to take my time and let my thoughts flow from my mind to the keyboard.  Once again MS has reared it's ugly head.  I'll be honest, I had a rough week, no doubt about it.  After speaking with my brother and then seeing how Julia now believes in herself I am inspired.  Inspired by my brother's belief in me.  Inspired by the hard work my daughter has given and then to see the fruits of her labor is icing on the cake.  So I am going to draw my strength and focus from them and believe in myself.  Believe that I AM A WRITER.  Believe I can do anything I put my mind to.  

I am looking forward to sharing my book with all of you.  I hope it to be an inspiration to others, to believe in themselves and a reminder to me to believe in myself. 

Stop the blame game

 Ok here I am again...I am following up on my last blog post about regrets.  I regret writing about how I am concerned about what other people think of me.  This is a long time coming and truly I had a break down and a break through this week.  The things I need to focus on are not what other people think.  Not whether other people forgive.  Not what other people say or do not say.  I need to worry about myself.  I need to focus on what I think of myself.  I need to focus on being compassionate towards myself and forgiving myself (no regrets!).  I need to focus on what I say or do not say.  I NEED to WANT to make myself happy.  No one else can do this for me. 

It has been brought to my attention that I feed the subconscious misery deep inside me.  I expect other people to meet my expectations and if they do not it is their fault.  Truly it is my fault.  I need to stop the blame game.  I need to stop the cycle of feeding this seed of misery.  This inner struggle is a pattern that has been going on for years and years.  Telling myself I am not good enough.  I have never put myself first because I never felt like I deserved first.

Earlier in the year I wrote about running my half marathon in Myrtle Beach.  I wrote that some told me I could not do it.  That some was just one and that one was me.  I talk a good game to all of you.  I need to talk a good game to myself.  

Becoming my own cheerleader!

The first step is for me to take responsibility.  No more blaming people, consciously or unconsciously.  I have one foot forward and I need to lift that other foot to take the next step.  I need to accept the mistakes I have made and forgive myself.  Then I need to take those forgiven mistakes, put them in a box and put the box away for good.  I need to realize that when I take care of me, I in turn take care of my girls.   

My strengths are determination, perseverance, goal driven, compassion and empathy to others.  I need to take these strengths and set a new goal.  I need to destroy the goal of misery and I need to make a new goal of being a friend to myself.  I need to realize that I do deserve to be first and then to take my determination, my perseverance, my compassion and empathy and GIVE it freely to myself.  I need to accept that gift, to embrace it. Only then will I truly ever be able to love all of me.  

It is a bit liberating to now know this about myself.  I am in control of me.  I can change the situation.  I can change the seed I choose to feed.  So today I am choosing to destroy the seed of misery buried deep inside and to plant the seeds of love for myself and happiness.  I know it won't be easy, however I do know that I deserve to be first and I want to be first in my own heart and soul.  Only then can I nourish the seeds of my children.  To show them the seeds of love, happiness and compassion for themselves. 

Regrets...I've had a few

Last Saturday I was just arriving at my Auntie's house.  A last minute trip up to Massachusetts under very sad circumstances.  My Uncle Bucci had passed away late Thursday night.  He fought his battle for 8 years when they only gave him 5 years to live.  He made promises during that time and amazed me that he was able to keep them.  It was time for him to be with God and in peace.  The weekend was extremely emotional for me.  This was truly what I saw as the last morsel of food that could possibly be put on my already overflowing plate.  I had a lot of time to think on the plane rides up and back.  I had time to reflect on my own life and situations.  What my regrets are and what I could do to possibly make those outcomes different...could I fix the mistakes I had made? Could I make things right with people I had disappointed and hurt?  Could I stick with my decisions that hurt me to the core and continue on, knowing that in the long run my life would be better...eventually?

When people die I think we all reflect on the would have, could have, should haves.  When is it enough to just say we are sorry?  Is it enough to recognize our mistakes, big and small, and just move on?  Do we need to change people's minds about how they see us, compared to who we really are?  Will we always be judged by our mistakes?  When have we done enough to really be able to say "I have no regrets"?  Right now I am not sure that is possible.  I was told this weekend that I carry the weight of other people's worries.  That in doing so I am only hurting myself in the long run.  It is very difficult for me to let things go.  I know it is not healthy, nor do the people I concern myself with even realize that I am carrying their pain.

I would like to think that I am one who forgives others once they have apologized.  Forgiveness does give me a sense of letting go.  Problem is I do not know how to apologize to myself and therefore forgive myself.  This year has been a doozy with so many life changing decisions.  When decisions are this big, no matter how much I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, doubt can creep in and f@#k with my mind. 

As this year continues moving forward I need to find out how to live with no regrets.   To let go of those things that I have no control over, especially how other people feel about me and perhaps how I feel about myself.  If anyone has any suggestions feel free to share....