Every day is different from the last. Yesterday I felt like garbage for most of the morning. Humidity was high in Holly Springs and that combined with warmer temps wreaks havoc on my body. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who goes with the flow. Friday after looking at the weather I knew it would be difficult for me to run on Saturday. He stepped up and did his long run then and let me go today. (He is also in "training mode". He has a half marathon the week after mine in Raleigh.) He asked me who I was going with, I said "no one". A couple of friends invited me to run on Saturday, but even with good company I knew it was not going to be good for me.
My first few times running long by myself I was nervous. Wondering if I would be able to do it and not "quit". I have been pleasantly surprised. I woke up this morning, brewed my coffee and laced up my shoes. It was cool and crisp, an absolutely beautiful fall morning. Made the drive to the ATT (American Tobacco Trail) and started to run. I found today that I am enjoying the time by myself. My expectations for the run change with each step I take, each song on the MP3 player and each mile that I log. In the beginning I think oh, no this is so hard, why am I doing this? Then I get lost in my thoughts. When you do not have another person to talk to you can truly have a conversation with yourself.
I was able to get through the first 2 miles and then walked a water break. I've learned that I can stop and start again. Then on the second leg I felt more of a groove, coming up on the turn around point (4.5) I thought I should stop and take a break. I decided to see if I could make it to 5 miles. Before I knew it I was almost to six. I got lost in my thoughts and found my stride. I was able to keep a strong pace and not even realize it. When I had my water break at mile 6 I was amazed at how great I felt. I was hoping the last 3 miles would prove to be just as smooth. Overall they were. There were some spots where I thought, ok you are pushing too hard...and I slowed it down and then the song would change I would here the words pushing me along, and I was imagining myself actually running in the Outer Banks. I could see myself running in amongst all those who had trained just as hard. For me it was such a great visual, almost "outer body" It was all about this feeling I had inside me. I could see my girls at the end. I could see James cheering me on. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for all the support and love that these 4 people have given me. I actually started to tear up on the trail.
My thoughts went to how I wanted my girls to know that even when life deals you a hand and you are not sure what to do with it if you have faith in God, faith in yourself, and faith in your family you will make it through to the other side. The past 6 months have given me such strength to take another step towards my ultimate goal...raising 3 little girls who believe in the power of themselves. Who are strong in Spirit. Who rise to the challenge, whatever that may be.
Today I am thankful. I hope to be as thankful tomorrow, regardless of what the day brings me. My wonderful mom, who I know worries about me so, sent me an email this morning that I may make my new mantra. 'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' I am hoping to remember this in the rough times as well as the good like today. Thanks Momma!
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
wondering where this is all going
So I am wondering where this blog thing is going to take me. My brother asked me last night how it was going. I told him it wasn't. I have not "blogged" since the first day. I was so gung ho to take this on and then I was concerned about what I would write. I guess since it is all mine I really should not be so concerned.
I just got back from a 3 mile run. I am in "training mode" for my second half marathon which is coming up in 4 weeks. Last time I did this and I was 4 weeks out I was excited and really looking forward to it. This time I am unsure how I feel. I have been having such a hard time being consistent with my training.
Some of you may know that I am in the midst of being tested for MS. All things point to my medical issues being MS, but this is such a difficult disease to diagnose, it takes many months and sometimes years to get a firm diagnosis. I have daily symptoms of tingling in my arms and legs. I have back tightness and pain in my back (that could be considered the "MS hug"), I have headaches, neck pain and I have an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion all the time. On top of this I have trouble falling asleep and there are many nights that I wake up with insomnia and cannot get back to sleep for hours. The neurologist seems to be leaning towards MS. My MRI shows lesions on my brain, but not enough to conclusively diagnose it. I have had a spinal tap and evoked potential test which came back normal. I test positive for Babinski sign, which indicates neurological damage as well as having exaggerated reflexes in my legs and feet.
With no concrete answers I continue to try and manage my daily symptoms. I wonder if I am making the right decisions by pushing myself to complete this half marathon. I wonder if the people telling me to stop are right. What I do know is that I am a stubborn and determined person. I set a goal and I'll be damned if something undiagnosed is going to make me quit (did I mention that I could be just be plain stupid at times?). For some reason I have in my head this drive to push myself. This voice that says if you quit you lose. "Winners never quit and quitters never win", right? I struggle every day with giving in to it. To taking time to just sit and rest. I am not a rester...I am not one to sit still and just be.
Perhaps this is God's way to tell me to slow down. I have been having a lot of conversations with Him as of late, wondering what I am doing here and what He is trying to have me accomplish with all this. What is the greater goal, what is His plan? Sometimes I wonder "Why does He seem to let some struggle with so much on their plates and it seems others do not have much care in the world?" I know that all this will be used for a greater purpose, one that I may never even be aware of...but at times when I am low and overwhelmed and I cannot take another step without falling to pieces it is hard to remember where I get my strength from. I feel guilty about this and know that I need to put my trust in God and He will get me through this.
Is it a daily battle, sometimes, hourly and sometimes by the minute. I feel myself closing in and withdrawing. Wanting to hunker down to weather out the storm. I feel that I am not the mom I am supposed to be, not the wife I promised to be and not the friend I need to be. Then I lace up those sneakers, put on some music and go. I may have to stop and walk for a bit. I may have to walk the entire way. Some days I surprise myself and see that I am strong and run the entire way. What I hear in my head when I need to slow down is "don't stop", "you are a fighter", "just take another step, and then another". The music I listen to motivates me to take another step. I sometimes regret taking the run. When it is hot out all my symptoms are intensified. Monday I ran or shall I say I tried to run and I spent the entire afternoon and evening feeling awful...almost flu-like with my symptoms.
This is when I go back to the struggle...do I or don't I? Give in or push harder? I am an all or nothing person...there is no middle for me. As I continue to wait and search for answers I try to remember the following "With each step you take, you are farther from your starting point, closer to your goal, and stronger than you were a moment ago"
to be continued....
I just got back from a 3 mile run. I am in "training mode" for my second half marathon which is coming up in 4 weeks. Last time I did this and I was 4 weeks out I was excited and really looking forward to it. This time I am unsure how I feel. I have been having such a hard time being consistent with my training.
Some of you may know that I am in the midst of being tested for MS. All things point to my medical issues being MS, but this is such a difficult disease to diagnose, it takes many months and sometimes years to get a firm diagnosis. I have daily symptoms of tingling in my arms and legs. I have back tightness and pain in my back (that could be considered the "MS hug"), I have headaches, neck pain and I have an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion all the time. On top of this I have trouble falling asleep and there are many nights that I wake up with insomnia and cannot get back to sleep for hours. The neurologist seems to be leaning towards MS. My MRI shows lesions on my brain, but not enough to conclusively diagnose it. I have had a spinal tap and evoked potential test which came back normal. I test positive for Babinski sign, which indicates neurological damage as well as having exaggerated reflexes in my legs and feet.
With no concrete answers I continue to try and manage my daily symptoms. I wonder if I am making the right decisions by pushing myself to complete this half marathon. I wonder if the people telling me to stop are right. What I do know is that I am a stubborn and determined person. I set a goal and I'll be damned if something undiagnosed is going to make me quit (did I mention that I could be just be plain stupid at times?). For some reason I have in my head this drive to push myself. This voice that says if you quit you lose. "Winners never quit and quitters never win", right? I struggle every day with giving in to it. To taking time to just sit and rest. I am not a rester...I am not one to sit still and just be.
Perhaps this is God's way to tell me to slow down. I have been having a lot of conversations with Him as of late, wondering what I am doing here and what He is trying to have me accomplish with all this. What is the greater goal, what is His plan? Sometimes I wonder "Why does He seem to let some struggle with so much on their plates and it seems others do not have much care in the world?" I know that all this will be used for a greater purpose, one that I may never even be aware of...but at times when I am low and overwhelmed and I cannot take another step without falling to pieces it is hard to remember where I get my strength from. I feel guilty about this and know that I need to put my trust in God and He will get me through this.
Is it a daily battle, sometimes, hourly and sometimes by the minute. I feel myself closing in and withdrawing. Wanting to hunker down to weather out the storm. I feel that I am not the mom I am supposed to be, not the wife I promised to be and not the friend I need to be. Then I lace up those sneakers, put on some music and go. I may have to stop and walk for a bit. I may have to walk the entire way. Some days I surprise myself and see that I am strong and run the entire way. What I hear in my head when I need to slow down is "don't stop", "you are a fighter", "just take another step, and then another". The music I listen to motivates me to take another step. I sometimes regret taking the run. When it is hot out all my symptoms are intensified. Monday I ran or shall I say I tried to run and I spent the entire afternoon and evening feeling awful...almost flu-like with my symptoms.
This is when I go back to the struggle...do I or don't I? Give in or push harder? I am an all or nothing person...there is no middle for me. As I continue to wait and search for answers I try to remember the following "With each step you take, you are farther from your starting point, closer to your goal, and stronger than you were a moment ago"
to be continued....
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