Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Painting a picture


I have been told by a couple different people to write down how I see my "new life".  How I picture it in my mind.  How do I actually see myself "happy"?  Who is with me?  Where am I? How will I know I have made it???  To finish out this post I am going to attempt to share that painted picture that is in my mind.  It comes from the heart of a dreamer and this my friends is completely honest.

I close my eyes and I feel the warmth of the morning sun.  I hear the crash of the waves and smell the salt in the air.  I feel the sand between my toes as I dig my feet in deeper and deeper.   As I take a deep breath in, I hear myself sigh with happiness.  I open my eyes and look out at the mighty ocean God has created.  I see it daily and it reminds me of times when I could not feel the bottom from under my feet.  It reminds me that each day is a gift and to accept it wholeheartedly.  It also reminds me that although the ocean waters are mighty and fierce.  The One who created them is the mightiest and the fiercest and He is by my side, just as He promised. 

As I look over the dunes, I smell the coffee in my hands.  It gives me the extra boost in the morning.  Soon I hear music and laughter spilling out from the kitchen windows of my humble home.  As I look back towards the house that my girls and I have made into a home, I see that is it battered and has a few scars of it's own.  Yet when I take a deeper look I can see inside the windows.  There I see my babies (they will always be my babies) a few years older, still as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. There is joy in their voices, there is happiness in their hearts.  They have learned through my mistakes that life is not fair.  No one has ever promised that it would be.  Although I know they will make many of their own mistakes, I pray they do not follow the path I chose of most resistance.  I pray that they follow a path that brings them challenges and as they gain strength and overcome those challenges they feel the joy still in their own hearts.  When I look again I see that this battered up home is a symbol of who I am.  I have many scars some in full view and others one may have to look really close to see.  However behind those scars I see a light in my eyes and joy in my soul, just as I see the love flowing through the windows of my home. 
I close my eyes and thank God for my life.  The good, bad and the ugly, for this is what has made me who I am today.  As I listen to the sounds of my favorite things and find myself lost in a dream, my boy Jake comes up from his morning swim and shakes his soaking wet body all around me.  I open my eyes and smile and realize that this is not a dream...this is my life. 

Coming clean

Well I am back again.  Back to the place where I feel I can write and express what is in my heart.  In the past this blog has been a cathartic exercise for me...although if I am honest with you and myself, many times in the past I have written how I wish my life would be, not the actual truth.  So I guess I am admitting to you all that I am a liar.  To you and to myself.  To make myself feel better I will say it was for self preservation...however the truth is the truth, and I have not always been truthful in what I have shared.
In January of 2011 I told my husband I wanted a divorce.  It is now July 2012 and we are still trying to get through the process.  This past year and a half has been HELL for my entire family.  I have turned my world and the world of others upside down.  I did it by choice.  Out of respect for my husband and family I will not get into the nitty gritty of it all...it would not solve anything and perhaps it would hurt some in the process and I do not want that at all.  I will say that I am confident in my decision and that when I look in the mirror every morning I know I am doing the right thing.  While knowing this is the right thing for me and my girls (and frankly for my husband) it is the absolute most difficult thing I have ever had to hit head on in my life.  If you ask people what the most difficult and stressful things one may face in life they will say death, divorce, moving...those are usually the top three.  What I have come to realize is that divorce is all of that rolled up int one.  The death of a marriage (will be 17 years in October and a total of 20 years together the same month), the divorce itself...shattering a family and the life it has always known and finally moving.  Moving in my case is physical and emotional.  Our house is on the market and he has moved into a new home of his own. 
When rumors of this break up first started to surface last year I denied, denied, denied.  It was my right.  I didn't want people to talk (they ALWAYS do regardless).  I didn't want people to see me as a failure, which I carried for a long time and have finally let go.  I did not want to be the topic of conversation at the pool and then walk up to everyone hushing their voices as I approached.  Lesson learned, it doesn't matter what I want, people will do what they will do...it is just who we are...human.  We actively make choices to judge or not to judge.  Sometimes we think we don't judge, yet subconsciously if we really look we are guilty.  Look I judge myself all the time!! 

Now that it is all in the open my family needs to find our new "normal" whatever the hell that means!  What is normal anyway?  I think it is different for every person.  As I go through the journey before me and look back at where I started, the road is long in both directions.  I have a very small hand full of friends that know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I am fortunate to have that hand full...many have none that they can trust literally with their lives, I can firmly say that I do.  For that I am blessed. 

As I share this journey with you, I want to share my source of strength.  I want to share that I am not perfect and I have many faults.  I am not here as an example.  I am not someone to admire.  I am just a woman who finally decided to make a change.  To do that I have had to break a few too many hearts along the way.  I have had to make difficult choices and will have to continue to do so.  I will come out of this with many, many scars.  Yet, I still know with all that, that I am making the right decision.  I am on the right path, as difficult as it may be.

My strength comes from God and His mercy.  It comes from the people He puts into my life to lead, comfort, encourage and kick me in the ass.  For without God I am nothing.  I am trying my best to keep my head above water...treading, quietly and steadily until I can put my feet down and feel the ocean floor.  It will all happen in His time, not mine.  It will all work out for the good of His will not mine.  I stand on the promise that He made to protect me from the storms and the crashing waves. 

"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand" Isaiah 41:10