Tuesday, May 24, 2011

When the other shoe drops it should be a stiletto

Wow another unpredictable week blindsided by MS.  This week, in what seemed to be a split second, the shoe that has been in the back of my mind dropped.  I was overcome with weakness, had difficulty walking, and that damn dreaded MS "hug" reared it's ugly head.  I felt deceived, cheated and angry all in a split second.  I had a false sense of security.  I knew that shoe was deep inside waiting for an inopportune moment to drop.  I just did not think it would be NOW!  I had a great winter.  I had some fatigue and minor complaints, but all in all I felt good!  I trained for my half marathon.  I was a fundraising maniac (if I do say so myself).  I have been in high gear all year long.  I was walking tall and feeling good.  I was focused on change.  I was focused on my future.  I was focused on me!  Then out of thin air she comes back to try to steal my joy.  I am reminded again that MS will always be a part of me, whether I feel great or like shit or somewhere in the middle.  Like obstacles in life that everyone faces, it is what we do to move forward to get over that stumbling block that counts, not the obstacle itself.  I decided today that I am picking myself back up after a pity party and a little bit of a "why me" session (yeah I went there this week).  Today I am getting back to those boot straps and lifting myself up.  Up out of the dark place my brain drifted to over the weekend.  Once I am back on my feet I am going to drop the boots on my own terms and put on a pair of stilettos.  We only go around once in this life.  We all know it will be shorter than what we would like it to be.  So I am dusting off my fancy high heels.  I am going to climb this obstacle and get to the other side.  Then I am going to strap on my stilettos and live my life.  I am going to live it knowing that when the next pair does drop, on this road or a different one in the future, I am going to tackle it on my terms.  You know a girl can never have too many pairs of shoes, right?!?!

Friday, May 13, 2011

"A change will do you good"

Life is funny.  Just when you think you have it all figured out something happens to change it all.  A lightbulb goes on in your head and you see things in a new light.  Change can be scary.  Very scary.  Going outside of your comfort zone is...uncomfortable.  It's hard to challenge the status quo.  All these worries enter your mind.  You can lose confidence in your decision.  You ask yourself will all of this be worth it in the end.  It takes a lot of courage to take that leap of faith.  To not care about what people will do or say.  There are times when you want to throw it all away and go back to the way things used to be...except once you make the decision to change, there really is no going back.  The decision sits in the depths of your mind, ready to remind you of it's existence when you least expect it.  
I have recently found that the hard decisions I am making are in my best interest.  They make me want to cry and scream.  They make me want to crawl under  rock and not come out, ever.  They make me question my worth.  They make me question my future.  They make me think outside of my comfort zone.  I don't like to be uncomfortable...I don't know anyone who really does. 
They make me think.  
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Reflecting on my life and on my future.  It can be painful to look back.  However I am finding that when I do look back I am encouraged to take the next step into my future.  I have found the courage to "Go confidently in the direction of my dreams and to live the life I have imagined".  I am finding my authentic self.  Seems to be the rage these days.  It's liberating,   discovering myself all over again.  Perhaps this is my mid-life crisis (I would be thrilled to live until 83!). Whatever it is I am looking forward to the second chapter.  I am excited to see what it brings.  I am ready to take the next step into the uncomfortable to come out the other side with a  happier and more fulfilled soul.  
I am committed to my future.
"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3