Monday, September 9, 2013

happy, happy days


After having lunch with a good friend of mine last week, I was reminded that I need to do more writing. We had not seen each other in some time and took a couple of hours to catch up.  During that time I was able to share all the wonderful things going on in my life.  She has told me on more than one occassion that my writing has lifted her spirits...she referenced my stiletto post from last year.  This friend and I have had an instant connection since we met.  We have not know each other for years and years, yet there is something intrinsically there that draws us close to one another.  She has seen me during some of the lowest points of my life.  As I was sharing all the good things that have been happening over the past months she was beaming.  Literally smiling from ear to ear with tears in her eyes.  You see, she has never been witness to my happiness.  She has never see my eyes light up, the love in my heart and the joy that is now engraved into my soul.  She had only seen the pain, sadness and heartbreak.  In seeing my smile, she too could be happy.  That day she was having a tough time of her own and that's when she told me to get back to writing.  She told me she drew strength from my writing, especially the stiletto post, which she had just read that morning (before she knew we were going to meet).  She told me that it was important to share my joy after I had shared so much heartache.  She reminded me of a conversation we had when I asked her if she thought I would ever be happy...we both now know the answer is yes. 

So here I am...starting up again.  This time with peace, joy and love in my heart.  As you read this, if you are struggling with something in your life, please know that "tough times never last, tough people do" (thanks Gram, after 25 years I still hold these words close to my heart). Hopefully my darkest days are behind me...for right now my future is bright like a sun shiny day!  I am so very grateful.  When I was coming out of that dark place I promised myself to live my life to the fullest, with no regrets.  Thankfully God had a plan for me.  A plan so wonderful that I could have never dreamed to come true.  I have found a wonderful, kind, generous, loving man.  He knows all about me and my history. He sees the scars.  He has seen the deep bruises that needed to heal.  He can find the beauty in them and in me.  He sees the good in me, actually he sees the great.  He has made me a better person and I think I have done the same for him.  We are truly partners.  Working towards the same goal...enjoying every day, taking chances and living with no regrets.  We are getting married in 20 days time, embracing each other and running toward our future, careful not to wish a day away.  Together we will bring a total of five daughters into our family.  Five sweet, wonderfully beautiful (inside and out), unique girls.  We are blessed beyond words. 

So as this new journey begins, don't worry...those stilettos will be on my feet every chance I get.  I promise to share these wonderful times with you.  I thank you all for standing by me in those really dark, ugly times.  I hope you will feel the love and happiness that fills me everyday.  I hope that it makes even a small difference in your life.  I hope your heart is touched with joy and if you are in a darker place, know that their is hope, as long as you have faith. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

words...


I've been off this grid for a while...missing my outlet of words...

If you have read this blog before you know my story...it's like anyone else's...full of words.  I've been trying to come back to this place to write, to release...yet it's been difficult to find the words.  Like so many of you my life has been upside down and all around...I've written about dark places.  I've written about finding light.  I've written about blessings.  I've written about pain.  I've written about love lost and love found.  I've written about beauty and I have written about ugliness.  Why has it been so hard for me to come back and write more?  Have I been afraid to share what's on my heart?  Have I decided that some things are better left private?  Or have I just not been able to find the words? None of those questions on their own holds the entire answer...however when combined I can see the answer.   

I was not sure how to "re -enter" my own writing space...writing that sentence is suprising to me...afterall it's MY space...these are MY words...I guess it is like anything else...if you venture off the path long enough you may lose your way. I wouldn't say that I have been lost these past 5 months.  I actually think that I have found myself...off the beaten path...
It seems I just could not find the words to share the experience.  Maybe this experience was one not meant to be shared? 

The reason behind my absence really isn't important.  What is important is that I know I want to write again.  While the past three years I have been journaling a lot about my struggles and my source of strength, I am turning the page and seeing a new chapter to write about.  I am excited to see where this new chapter takes me.  I look forward to sharing new experiences with you, perhaps in a different way...

So if you are a returning reader and you see a change in style, remember the author is still the same.  The dreams are still the same.  The book is even the same...the page has just been turned.

-JAH


Words they'll try to shake you
Don't let them break you or stop your world
Stop your world from turning 'round
When words keep you from feeling good
Use them as firewood and let them burn
Let them burn, let them burn
-Words by Train