Tuesday, December 22, 2009

will there be answers????

Wow, I am having a hard time this morning...I have been ok all week...small moments of worry, but they fade quickly with the busyness. I slept fine last night until I woke up...no worries going to bed, but as soon as I woke up I knew I would not go back to sleep. I've been up for a while now...checking email, doing my FB thing and reading my bible. (I'd like to say I do this every day, but truly I rely on it in crisis these days.) I know that God is with me, I know that this is His plan and I know I can trust Him...but then the human side of me cracks. It's just a tiny crack...but it does not take much for doubt to seep in. It's like a disease at times...sucking me dry. Most times I can bury it and hold on to the Truth.

My worries are not that there will be a diagnosis today, my worries are that I will still be playing this waiting game at 5:00 tonight. That I will not have answers. I have a nasty cold right now...as I told my friend Mel last night, I'm working my Brenda Viccaro voice. I am not worried about the cold...I know that it must takes it course and I can plug along and it will be over soon. It is not the same with all this other "stuff", these other ailments, symptoms, annoyances, aggravations, pains etc...this is what I worry about. For a medical community to be able to rule out every other possible disease and condition and still not be able to give me answers boggles my mind. It gives me anxiety. It makes me depressed. It makes me mad, furious even. I feel captive by something I cannot name. It takes away my control...

Yes I know I am not the One in control...deep inside I know that, but between the numbness, tingling, pain and exhaustion it is sometimes hard to remember. Even before all this began (almost 2 years ago with symptoms and the past 7 months with doctors) I have been one who likes control. I like to be the authority. I like to be the one to decide. I like to be the one devising the plan. I like to be "the boss". My mom told me that if you want something done right you've got to do it yourself. Funny how some things stick with us from childhood. I am sure that was in response to something one of us did and did not do the way she wanted. I feel the same way with my household...it puts a lot of pressure on me, but at the same time when it is done, it is done the way I want it to be done. I am sure she did not mean EVERYTHING in life, but I am woman of extremes. All or nothing. I'm either in or out. I have trouble playing the middle. I am getting better about seeing the shades of gray...but even that is hard for me. I have no idea where I get this from and I do not know how to shake it.

So as I go about my morning with my kids bustling around, I pray that I try to go with the flow. I pray I do not try to control them because I cannot control what is going on with me. I pray I have patience, kindness and a loving voice. I pray I do not snap at James for something so tiny he feels assaulted. I pray I can make it through this morning at home, the drive to Durham and then the dreaded waiting room. I pray that whatever God's plan is that He will give me the comfort and solace I need. I pray that He will give me the answers I need and that His plan will be seen in open view today..wide open. I pray my pity party is over...even if it's just for a little while.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Most wonderful time of the year....

Life is so busy....I can remember when I was young and I would be waiting and waiting for Christmas to come. All the wonderful fun we would have...Gram and Gretchen (my great grandmother, also known a Nana) would be sleeping over on Christmas Eve and Donnie and I could not wait for that night to come. We would be so excited to see them and to sleep on the floor so they could have our beds. I have so many memories of those days that I cherish so dearly. It truly was "the most wonderful time of the year".

I can also remember my mom saying how she could not believe another year had passed and that Christmas was coming fast. Fast??? Was she crazy?? Maybe then, but not now. I find myself saying the same things about the holidays. Thanksgiving was late this year and all of a sudden here we are, 2 weeks before Christmas. The time does fly, at least for us parents...trying to make this the most magical and wonderful Christmas for our kids. This year I still feel that time is flying by and I feel in a bit of a whirlwind, but I have mentally taken a different approach. This year for me it is about giving back, giving thanks for my blessings and spending more time celebrating the season rather than rambling through preparing for the one big day. I took my time decorating the house. In years past I tried to get it all done in the weekend after Christmas, only to still be rushing to finish getting everything just perfect right up until Christmas day. I did go out shopping and am pretty much done. I was able to finish that up quickly this year. I am taking the less and more approach. Less "stuff" more time. I will have a special treat time with each girl this year. We will be doing some extra family things together this year as well (marching in the Holly Springs Christmas Parade and Disney on Ice (shhh it's a surprise!) for big things, but more family movies and game nights). I told the girls I wanted to be sure to give more than we got this year. We have decided to help a couple of local families that would otherwise not have gifts this year. We have done these things in the past with little recognition to the giving. This year there is more emphasis, more knowledge of how truly blessed we are.

As I am prepare my mind for the MRI tomorrow at Duke, I am also reminding myself to look around. Take deep breaths. Acknowledge how truly fortunate I am. I need to be honest and say that I am nervous and I am anxious. I want answers and I still may not get them. The journey is long (for which I am grateful) and instead of worry and concern I am forcing my mind to look at all the wonderful things around me. It's not the easiest thing for me to do...but I think it is helping me. I am going to do my best to lose myself in the season. To rest my worries on He who the season is for. I know deep in my heart that all will be right, in His time, not mine.

So as I try my best to enjoy each day with my family and friends, I encourage you to do the same. Forget the hustle and bustle. Forget the rush. Forget your worries. Remember that these are the times your children will look back on and remember. They will remember how they felt more than the gifts under the tree. They will remember that special touch, that special time where they had all the attention on them.

At least that is what I remember. I can remember Mom, Dad, Donnie & I decorating the tree (with Ivory soap) year after year. I can remember my dad waking up every Christmas morning and saying "Ho, Ho, Ho Merry Christmas" in a deep "Santa" voice. I can remember the big dinners and family time with Nana, Gram, Pop & Mary, Helena & Carlty, Auntie Jo, Bucci and Phyl. I can remember my Gram and Nana spending time with us, playing games after dinner and sleeping over. And I will never forget the feeling of my Gram's hand rubbing my back at the dinner table or her calling me her "little chickadee". This is what I want for my girls to remember when they have their own children. The feeling of Christmas Spirit, how we share it with others, through a kind word, a soft touch and by sharing our own memories.

May God bless us all with memories old and new this Christmas season & may we be filled with joy in all the little moments that could so easily slip by if we are not looking for them.