Wow, I am having a hard time this morning...I have been ok all week...small moments of worry, but they fade quickly with the busyness. I slept fine last night until I woke up...no worries going to bed, but as soon as I woke up I knew I would not go back to sleep. I've been up for a while now...checking email, doing my FB thing and reading my bible. (I'd like to say I do this every day, but truly I rely on it in crisis these days.) I know that God is with me, I know that this is His plan and I know I can trust Him...but then the human side of me cracks. It's just a tiny crack...but it does not take much for doubt to seep in. It's like a disease at times...sucking me dry. Most times I can bury it and hold on to the Truth.
My worries are not that there will be a diagnosis today, my worries are that I will still be playing this waiting game at 5:00 tonight. That I will not have answers. I have a nasty cold right now...as I told my friend Mel last night, I'm working my Brenda Viccaro voice. I am not worried about the cold...I know that it must takes it course and I can plug along and it will be over soon. It is not the same with all this other "stuff", these other ailments, symptoms, annoyances, aggravations, pains etc...this is what I worry about. For a medical community to be able to rule out every other possible disease and condition and still not be able to give me answers boggles my mind. It gives me anxiety. It makes me depressed. It makes me mad, furious even. I feel captive by something I cannot name. It takes away my control...
Yes I know I am not the One in control...deep inside I know that, but between the numbness, tingling, pain and exhaustion it is sometimes hard to remember. Even before all this began (almost 2 years ago with symptoms and the past 7 months with doctors) I have been one who likes control. I like to be the authority. I like to be the one to decide. I like to be the one devising the plan. I like to be "the boss". My mom told me that if you want something done right you've got to do it yourself. Funny how some things stick with us from childhood. I am sure that was in response to something one of us did and did not do the way she wanted. I feel the same way with my household...it puts a lot of pressure on me, but at the same time when it is done, it is done the way I want it to be done. I am sure she did not mean EVERYTHING in life, but I am woman of extremes. All or nothing. I'm either in or out. I have trouble playing the middle. I am getting better about seeing the shades of gray...but even that is hard for me. I have no idea where I get this from and I do not know how to shake it.
So as I go about my morning with my kids bustling around, I pray that I try to go with the flow. I pray I do not try to control them because I cannot control what is going on with me. I pray I have patience, kindness and a loving voice. I pray I do not snap at James for something so tiny he feels assaulted. I pray I can make it through this morning at home, the drive to Durham and then the dreaded waiting room. I pray that whatever God's plan is that He will give me the comfort and solace I need. I pray that He will give me the answers I need and that His plan will be seen in open view today..wide open. I pray my pity party is over...even if it's just for a little while.