Thursday, April 1, 2010

Digging Deep

I am struggling with physically feeling bad which in turn makes me mentally feel bad. It seems to come in waves. I can push myself only so far before I crash. I can put on that positive face, smile and push though my day only for so long...and then BOOM! The tears come, I am overwhelmed and I find myself digging deep again.

Yesterday I found myself digging deep... I am battling some demons that just won't let go. I am trying to understand how to go through life while being in constant pain. I am trying to find that "happy place" and that rest stop is not on the road I am traveling right now. I am constantly hoping and praying that it will be better. I find myself bottling it all up tight and then it just gets to be too much and the top pops off.

I am struggling with the physical limitations that this disease brings to me. I am struggling with losing control. Yesterday I went out for a walk/run to try and clear my head. I found myself after walking the first mile needing to run. I felt like if I could just pick up the pace I could escape. I could leave the situation. I could be the old me. It was so physically difficult...after a mile I had to walk again. The escape was gone. After a little bit I started up again and my music changed to Bon Jovi's "Runaway"... how appropriate, that is all I want to do. I want to run away. I want to escape my body and my mind. I want to push myself as hard as I can and then when I feel like I cannot take another step...take five more. I want to dig deep inside myself to see if I am still there.


  1. Maybe you need to try another approach and just feel. It's OK not to put on your happy face, to lean on those around you who love you. The farther down you push that demon the more it will rear it's ugly head so instead try to embrace and sooth it. The maybe they would be willing to let go, even if just a little.

  2. I think I know the answer to this already but just in case, have you found any MS support groups to attend? Or, blogs that may offer you some comfort? I wish I could take this away from you!!!!