It's been another one of those weeks...Just when I think I have a handle on this MS thing WHAM! This week I felt like I was thrown into the water, not sure if I would sink or swim. Well that's not true...for a while there I was sure I was going to sink. The waves came out of nowhere. They crashed on top of me and I could not get my head above water. I was treading with all my might and kept sinking under.
The first wave came on Tuesday night. I was out with my girls having dinner. I started to have the burning in my back and I was praying it would just stay there and not go into a full blown episode. After dinner we had to get some things for the next day...milk, bread...the essentials. As we are in the produce section out of nowhere the MS hug grabbed me like the tentacles of an octopus. Wrapping itself around my back and chest and squeezing the breath right out of me. The pressure, the pain, both felt like a heart attack (or what I envision a heart attack to be, since I have never had one).
Envision Super Wal-Mart and me hunched over my cart with three little girls trying to rub my back as I gasp for breath. Good Lord something is so wrong with this picture. I could not just leave it there, we needed the food for the next day. So in line the girls are trying to make me laugh, rubbing my back and telling me that it will be ok. We make it back to the car and the flood gates open. Some tears are for the pain and some are for the sweetness of the girls giving instead of taking. Some are in frustration for the helplessness I feel and some are in anger that my children have to witness this episode. Most are for this feeling of drowning that I have.
The pain and exhaustion have continued up to and including today. Although it does seem to be lessening. It is like being under water, looking up and seeing sun shine through. There is light now...I am not quite able to get my head above it yet...but the hope of being able to do so is there.
So today I will take my wisdom from Dory (you know that super, smart fish from Finding Nemo). Here are her words of wisdom:
Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
Marlin: Dory, no singing.
Dory: [continuing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim.
Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head.
Unlike Marlin, I am glad to have Dory in my head to remind me that if I just keep swimming I will make it through the rough waters. I will find the light above the waves. Because "when you want to swim, you want to swim" and rough waters are surely not going to hold you under for long. ><>