Friday, August 26, 2011

Stop the blame game

 Ok here I am again...I am following up on my last blog post about regrets.  I regret writing about how I am concerned about what other people think of me.  This is a long time coming and truly I had a break down and a break through this week.  The things I need to focus on are not what other people think.  Not whether other people forgive.  Not what other people say or do not say.  I need to worry about myself.  I need to focus on what I think of myself.  I need to focus on being compassionate towards myself and forgiving myself (no regrets!).  I need to focus on what I say or do not say.  I NEED to WANT to make myself happy.  No one else can do this for me. 

It has been brought to my attention that I feed the subconscious misery deep inside me.  I expect other people to meet my expectations and if they do not it is their fault.  Truly it is my fault.  I need to stop the blame game.  I need to stop the cycle of feeding this seed of misery.  This inner struggle is a pattern that has been going on for years and years.  Telling myself I am not good enough.  I have never put myself first because I never felt like I deserved first.

Earlier in the year I wrote about running my half marathon in Myrtle Beach.  I wrote that some told me I could not do it.  That some was just one and that one was me.  I talk a good game to all of you.  I need to talk a good game to myself.  

Becoming my own cheerleader!
The first step is for me to take responsibility.  No more blaming people, consciously or unconsciously.  I have one foot forward and I need to lift that other foot to take the next step.  I need to accept the mistakes I have made and forgive myself.  Then I need to take those forgiven mistakes, put them in a box and put the box away for good.  I need to realize that when I take care of me, I in turn take care of my girls.   

My strengths are determination, perseverance, goal driven, compassion and empathy to others.  I need to take these strengths and set a new goal.  I need to destroy the goal of misery and I need to make a new goal of being a friend to myself.  I need to realize that I do deserve to be first and then to take my determination, my perseverance, my compassion and empathy and GIVE it freely to myself.  I need to accept that gift, to embrace it. Only then will I truly ever be able to love all of me.  

It is a bit liberating to now know this about myself.  I am in control of me.  I can change the situation.  I can change the seed I choose to feed.  So today I am choosing to destroy the seed of misery buried deep inside and to plant the seeds of love for myself and happiness.  I know it won't be easy, however I do know that I deserve to be first and I want to be first in my own heart and soul.  Only then can I nourish the seeds of my children.  To show them the seeds of love, happiness and compassion for themselves. 

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