Finding myself in a dream

I am a dreamer.  I am an idealist.  I aspire to be the best I can be.  Some people think that dreamers have their heads in the clouds and do not have rational thoughts of the future.  They say we dream of the impossible and will only set ourselves up for disappointment.  I beg to differ...

 I am living proof that dreamers can reach for the stars and bring them home.  Dreamers have a vision of who and how they want to be. They can dream a plan of action and then put that plan in motion.  If they are hungry enough they will do what is necessary to realize that dream.  Dreamers are not wishy washy. They want the best and spend their lives trying to achieve it.  I believe I can change my destiny.  I believe that any obstacle is a challenge that can and will be overcome.  I believe that when life throws you a curveball you can still swing for the fences.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting the past couple of months.  Searching my soul for who I was, but not who I am.  My heart is pulling my dreams into new directions.  Today I am no longer asking why my history is the way it was, but I ask myself how my future will be.  This is a huge change for me.  I feel like I am releasing some chains that have been holding me down for years.  Instead of blaming the past for who I am, I am looking to the future to define who I want to be.  

I have so many dreams...running the Boston Marathon, someday owning a little beach house where I can hear the ocean waves crash day and night, watching my girls grow up and follow their dreams.  Some may say these dreams are not possible.  They may say I am not strong enough to run Boston.  They may say that I will never be able to afford my seaside home.  They may say that MS will not allow me to to grow old and watch my children reach for the stars.  Let them say what they may.  Many told me I could not or should not run my race this past weekend.  They doubted whether it could be done.  Sometimes I doubted myself.  That doubt gave way to will and determination. It showed me that no one could tell me if I could follow my dream.  This weekend I had the best run of my life.  Not because it was easy.  Not because I achieved a personal record (PR).  It was the best run of my life because it was my dream, and I ran it down.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Hip Hip Hooray!

This week is a big one.  Today I had my one year follow up with the neurologist.  I got a thumbs up with some minor tweaking with some meds.  He seemed to forget my goal of running a half marathon this winter.  I was able to sway him into supporting me (he is a runner himself, so it wasn't too hard).  It's not like I would have not participated in the race, but it is nice to know that he does not think I am going to put myself back into a relapse.

So Saturday is racing day!  Grabbing life by the horns this weekend and hoping to get a PR.  I know, I know I had originally said I was going to run this just to prove to myself that I could but what the hell I may as well try to kick some ass (that being my own) and go for it!  I am scared to death and also so excited to take on this challenge.  It will be a true dream come true, crossing that finish line.  Last August I thought I was done for...limping and hobbling along.  I was beyond depressed and truly afraid of what was to come next.  Well with A LOT of stubbornness, dedication, determination and tenacity I am here to say that I have run down this dream and on Saturday I will achieve it.  There really is not a better feeling than giving it your all and then seeing yourself succeed.

While I have no idea what the future holds (do any of us really?) I am living in the moment this week and reaching for that brass ring.  I will have no regrets that I did not do my best when I had my best to give.  I encourage all of you to do the same...find something you want and go for it!

one year after diagnosis

I just spent the last few minutes reading my posts from last January.  Seems like 100 years ago and yesterday all in the same breath.  It's been a year now since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  I can honesty say that this has been the most difficult year in my entire adult life.  I thought once we had a name for what was wrong with me, as well as a plan to treat it we would be well on our way.  This past year has shown me that no matter how prepared with a plan I think I am, always plan for a wrench in the situation.  That's hard to do when the wrench is your health and daily living.  Nothing could have prepared me for the physical and emotional pain and exhaustion I had felt through out 2010, nothing!

As I look back at my "year in review" post from last January I am reminded of the promise I made to myself, to look at my life as a glass half full, rather than half empty. So although the year was difficult in so many ways, there is also plenty to be grateful for, including those difficulties.

The most noticeable change for me was within myself.   As I have mentioned before, I have always felt I was more full of "attitude" (good and bad) than full of "talent".  I have always felt like an "underdog" in life.  Always trying to prove something to someone, as a kid to my parents, my friends, my boyfriends, my teachers, as an adult still my parents, my husband, my girls, my friends, even strangers but most of all it has always been myself.  Some, ok many, have mentioned a chip on my shoulder.  For as long as I can remember I have always felt this way.  Even as I type this I think "this is crazy, I am a grown woman!" It is hard to explain the feeling and with last year's diagnosis I felt I was there again, an "underdog".  The difference now is that having the attitude of an "underdog"doesn't feel so bad to me.  I pushes me to be my best self.  It pushes me to look past the challenges and see the victories.  It reminds me to never count myself out.  As someone who has quite the competitive spirit second place really has never been an option in my mind.  I am reminded to see the everyday victories, not just the ones everyone else will see.  No one is harder on me than myself.  The expectations of being everything to everyone will always be in the back of my mind.  The fighter in me can't let that go and I don't want to, it has served me well and made me who I am today.  Changed, but the same.

The changes with my family I think bring a new understanding to my relationships.  James is a man of few words and not one to be overly expressive (this is an understatement!).  This past year we have grown closer than any other time in our 18 years together.  He is my rock, the port in my storms.  He keeps me grounded, but does not let me fall underground.  He has shown me a love with few words, and many actions that has carried me through the dark times this past year.  For this I am eternally grateful.  My girls and I have grown even closer.  Sharing our feelings, our concerns and our challenges of this past year together.  I am hopeful that my sharing with them will enhance the foundation of our relationships.  So that when they meet the challenges in their daily lives they will be confident in knowing that their mom will always be there to listen to them, cry with them and help lift them up when they think they cannot do it on their own.

The changes with my friends is a little different.  I have found out who is really there for me, anytime I need them.  I have found some of my relationships that were more of an acquaintance have blossomed into something that is more than I could have imagined.  A true outpouring from a few women, strong in faith and their friendship to me.  I have reconnected with old friends from 20+ years ago, who have been there for me over the past year, as if a day has not passed without seeing or speaking to me.  Some that I thought would be in the trenches with me, have surprised me that they are not.  Others, who I did not even think they knew where my trench was, have been down in the mud with me from the beginning of this journey.  This past year has truly blessed me with a core group of support near and far away.  I won't name names, you all know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being in my life.

So as this journey continues I choose to face my challenges head on...mental, physical and emotional.  I again have a cup that overflows with inner strength, a loving family and the support of friends who will stand by my side with encouragement, love and the occasional kick in the ass when I need it. MS will try to bring me down and I will fall.  However, I have confidence that with all that I have and all that I am this "underdog" will not only get back on her feet, she will be victorious!

Out with the old and in with the new

These Words of Wisdom were sent to me this morning and I thought it would be great to share them as we leave this year and look forward to the new year.

  *Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in  trouble, but it is a "steering wheel"  that directs the right path throughout.

* So why is a car's windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead and move on.

* Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

*All things in life are temporary.  If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.

* Old Friends are gold, new friends are diamonds! If you get a diamond, don't forget your gold.  To hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!

* Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!

* When God solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.

* A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"

* When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them.  When you are safe and happy, remember that someone has also prayed for you.

*Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace. 

As we head into the new year my wish for all of you is for GOOD HEALTH (take it from me, if you lose it you realize how important it is).  PEACE in your heart (for this will give you what you need to face the challenges ahead). HOPE (for without hope we have no future). JOY (It is so important to find joy in every day.  My mom reminds me quite often to never let anyone steal my joy.  You shouldn't either). CONFIDENCE to face all the challenges that come your way (many times it just takes us to believe in ourselves to conquer all that is thrown our way, not a miracle). BELLY LAUGHS (they are good for the soul and quite contagious!). Finally I wish you LOVE (the love of many; your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, the love of a stranger to give random acts of kindness (and your ability to recognize that love and embrace it) and love of yourself (for if we cannot love ourselves, how can we fully love others?)

Happy New Year my friends, I love you!!

A road once traveled

So much has change over the last three months. After my MRI results and a steroid treatment in early September, slowly but surely I have gained strength and moved forward. I am feeling great. I have pushed through the storm and have sunny skies ahead. I cannot tell you how much I now appreciate feeling good. I am thankful for each day that is given to me. So much so, that as soon as I started feeling better I decided I needed to set a goal for myself. Challenge where I am today to where I could be.

So here I come Myrtle Beach Half Marathon!! I know, I know, many will think I am crazy, but this is giving me such a lift. I love a challenge and this will surely be one. I need to get that feeling back, the high of not only doing something good for myself, but the feeling of success after a run. Sure this will be different from races in the past. It will be a before and after makeover of sorts. I will need a new plan, I will need to change my expectations, however, I need to do this just to say that I did. Some will call it stubborn or foolish, I call it determination, "going confidently in the direction of my dreams" (Henry David Thoreau).

I look forward to this journey I have decided to take. I look forward to growing and realizing just how far I can push myself. I will be documenting the road I travel and hope you will come along for the ride. It's going to be a good one!!

Got hope?

As I look back on the last several months I am amazed at how my life has changed. At first I was sure I could "manage" this disease. Now I see that it will truly be life altering. My mind is on overload as I hobble around with very weak legs and a hunched back. I have difficulty with balance now. I am even more clumsy than before, bumping into walls and dropping things. My mind is a fog, which is making it very hard to remember things even with reminders. I am confused with the hustle and bustle of three active girls. I cannot focus.

Physically I used to be strong, at least much stronger than I am now. Last year I ran my second half marathon. This year I have not run since March and that was on a wing and a prayer. Last year I was able to juggle many different schedules, mine, James', and the girls'. This year I am dropping balls everywhere. Last year I took 4 pills a day. This year I take 15 and give myself daily injections.

I just had an MRI last Friday (an "urgent" one) after seeing my neurologist Thursday afternoon. We are going to have to look at changing my injections...to what I have no idea. Some of these drugs involve bigger needles ( side effects include flu like symptoms, headaches, muscle weakness, migraines and a slew of others). Some involve IV infusions monthly (with a risk of getting a rare virus that funny enough does exactly what it is supposed to, stop demyelination of the white matter in your brain and spinal cord. Only this is fast acting and will kill you). There is a new oral drug coming to the market hopefully next month (it has only been used in clinical trials (200-300 people involve vs. the 2.5 million world wide that have the disease) and has shown to, in some, cause skin cancer, heart problems and infections).

There are some people that are able to function as they always have with a relapse once or twice over a period of years. My life this year has had one stretch of 10 days (late spring) and a few (meaning 3-4) days where I felt "normal". There are some people that are truly crippled by this disease, in wheelchairs or even home and bed ridden.

While I am in the throws of this disease and managing my first year of officially being diagnosed with MS I REFUSE to let this disease beat me. I REFUSE to accept that this is the end of anything. I have HOPE that we will find a CURE. I have HOPE that my daughters will never have to worry about this disease attacking them. I have HOPE that I WILL run again. I have HOPE that I will be able to look into the sweet eyes of my girls and have an answer the questions "WHY DID YOU GET MS?" "WHEN ARE YOU NOT GOING TO HAVE IT ANYMORE?"

In two weeks we will be CELEBRATING Julia and Jenna's tenth and eighth birthdays in New Bern, NC. James has put together a team of six called "Go For Jo" to participate in the LARGEST bike ride in the country to support a charity. The MS Bike Ride in New Bern, NC holds shines a light of HOPE for funding new discoveries to the cause of this disease and then a CURE to end this once and for all. A HUGE thank you must go out to James along with Brian, Jeff, Dave, Matt and Mike (who is flying in for the ride) as they make up the team "Go For Jo ". Also a thank you to their families as they have taken time away from them to train, all in the name of supporting me

It is NOT TOO LATE to make a difference. If you are moved by my story and the 2.5 million world wide who have MS, I urge you to make a donation today. NO donation is too small. TOGETHER we WILL find a CURE. To make a donation cut and paste this link: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=13428&team_id=213980 .
We are only $1160.00 away from our goal of $5000.00.

for my dad

Happy Father's Day to my dad who taught me there is only one way to laugh and it needs to come from the belly. A man who NEVER missed a game of mine, he taught me to get in front of the ball, put my glove on the ground and to catch with both hands...to keep my eye on the ball and my feet firmly planted...he showed me how to "box out" and rebound...he taught me that sometimes you need to work twice as hard as someone else to be just as good...he taught me how to hustle, to be a scrappy player, to never give up...there may be extra innings or overtime and preparation is the key.

I was never a superstar at sports, although I loved playing them...there was nothing like giving it your all and winning...There is a reason people use sports metaphors...as the saying goes "Life is not a spectator sport" you need to be active participant. All the tools my dad gave to me long ago apply today...approach things head on, focus on the basics, stay grounded, box out those that do not bring you joy and hold on tightly to those that do... life goes fast and sometimes you find yourself having to pick yourself up and rebound. Good things come to those who work hard, hustle and give it their all.... it's a long game this thing called Life and sometimes you need to be scrappy to survive. Finally preparation is the key, the better prepared you are the better off you will be.

So on this father's day I want to say thank you dad for teaching me life lessons when I was younger that apply so easily today. Thank you for giving me the foundation to build a family of my own. Thank you for instilling a willingness and a desire to be the best I can be. And finally thank you for ALWAYS being on my sideline cheering me on. I love you pappy!!
xo