Shine make them wonder what you've got....

Wow, what a month! All our hard work paid off and then some. MS surely did not see me and my peeps coming when it decided to attack me. With the support of the amazing people in my life we had representation all over the COUNTRY walking to SHINE a light on a CURE for MS and raising a hell of a lot of money along the way (How does over $11,000.00 and counting sound to you?!?!) It started in New Hampshire with the Village People North making a mighty fine showing. I had family and friends by my side walking the five mile course through downtown Portsmouth, NH in rain and close to freezing temps. Not one complained about the elements. We laughed..I mean we belly laughed and we cried and we shared some really big love. I was moved to tears at the amazing support from so many people coming from so many different places in my life. I offer up many heartfelt prayers of thanks for all that were with me Heather, Lynn, my mother in law Joanne, my sister in law Jennifer, Joanna and Sue. A special thanks to Tracy my traveling companion, Ellen, Sean and Tonya the great organizers, my dear friend Mike for flying in from Chicago for the event, and last but not least Jon and Rose the host and hostess with their most and mostess.

We had representation in New Jersey with my unofficial little sister Staci. Her mom has MS and we were introduced by a mutual friend. Staci is an amazing woman who put together 2 teams of Catamount Cruisers, one in NJ the other at college in Vermont.

Yesterday we had peeps in the east and in the west. Starting in Maine with my dear friend Melissa. She and her family were walking in Portland Maine in support of their beloved Coco (that's me)...moving to Vermont where Staci and her college friends walked 6 miles...to the west where my brother Donnie and friend Jill represented in Salt Lake City with their friends...back to the east coast and Raleigh, NC where I had the most amazing day walking 3 miles surrounded by my fabulous 4, James, Julia, Jenna and Jackie Rose...along with the most loving group of friends a girl could ask for...more heartfelt prayers of thanks sent up to the big guy for Erin, Tracy, Holly, Darren, Carmen, Laura, Linda, Christine, Pete, Dave, Kristen, Matt, Lizzie, Kathy, Brenda, Anne, Julie, Sandie, Amanda, Sandy, Kerrie, Scott and ALL the kids....Katie, Nick, Sophia, Ashleigh, Georgia Kate, Sophie, Mikey, Emma, Caroline, Olivia, and Emma.

As I look back today at the pictures from all the walk events I see so much more than meets the eye. I see so many people that have given something of themselves, a piece of their heart to make a difference. These people donated money (which to be honest is the point of these walks) but they gave so much more than that...they offered a piece of themselves to me. They gave without expecting anything in return. They supported me in ways that go above and beyond. Phone calls, emails, cards, letters, videos, texts, meals, child care, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear without trying to "fix it". And then there were the hugs, kisses and embraces that without words spoke volumes of the love they have in their hearts.

I have always tried to give more than I get. I have always tried to instill in my girls that the only way to live is by living the way Jesus would want you to, by loving one another and treating all with the love and respect you want to be treated with...I am certainly not perfect...in fact far from it...but I do try to be the best I can be...some days that's pretty darn good and other days I am hanging on by a string. For all these people to see my good days and appreciate them and then on the days I am hanging by a string to lift me up and carry me...well even I do not have words for that.

The journey is not over and I am still in the fight of my life....but the army that God has provided me with to win this war is all I need. The first battle has been fought and I declare the winners to be THE VILLAGE PEOPLE north, south, east and west. thank you for being a part of my village. I love you all so much more than those three little words can truly express...

Digging Deep

I am struggling with physically feeling bad which in turn makes me mentally feel bad. It seems to come in waves. I can push myself only so far before I crash. I can put on that positive face, smile and push though my day only for so long...and then BOOM! The tears come, I am overwhelmed and I find myself digging deep again.

Yesterday I found myself digging deep... I am battling some demons that just won't let go. I am trying to understand how to go through life while being in constant pain. I am trying to find that "happy place" and that rest stop is not on the road I am traveling right now. I am constantly hoping and praying that it will be better. I find myself bottling it all up tight and then it just gets to be too much and the top pops off.

I am struggling with the physical limitations that this disease brings to me. I am struggling with losing control. Yesterday I went out for a walk/run to try and clear my head. I found myself after walking the first mile needing to run. I felt like if I could just pick up the pace I could escape. I could leave the situation. I could be the old me. It was so physically difficult...after a mile I had to walk again. The escape was gone. After a little bit I started up again and my music changed to Bon Jovi's "Runaway"... how appropriate, that is all I want to do. I want to run away. I want to escape my body and my mind. I want to push myself as hard as I can and then when I feel like I cannot take another step...take five more. I want to dig deep inside myself to see if I am still there.

Momma Bear, Father God

"A mother bear with cubs is at their most aggressive state... Mother bears are dedicated to their cubs, yet stern so they learn to survive out on their own when they are old enough. "

How does the Momma Bear protect her young from empathy? How does she protect her young from the pain she feels herself? The frustration of the unpredictability of MS? The physical pain as well as the depression and anxiety?

Last night Julia was asking me what the weather would be like today so she could have her clothes ready to go in the morning. I simply said T-shirt and jeans should work. I was in the middle of putting fresh sheets on my bed and I was limping around with leg pain. She knew I was not feeling well, but I was trying to keep up a front, at least until she got upstairs. She saw right though me. I turned back to put the blanket on the bed and she fell into tears. After a few minutes she was able to tell me that she hated it when I did not feel well. I could see the worry in her eyes. We have slowly started to see her understand exactly what MS means to our family. I told her that it was ok to be upset and it was ok to cry, but that we needed to let go of these worries and not let them consume us. We needed to realize there would be good days and bad days. I told her I was not a quitter and that this was not going to get the best of me. We came up with a solution to her worries. She was to go upstairs and write down all the feelings she was having and then to take a deep breath with each one. When she released that breath she was to release that worry. I told her to picture blowing that worry right out of her body.

I though this was going to be successful, until a little while later when James went upstairs to tuck them in. I asked him to take a couple extra minutes with her and see if she would open up. The tears and sobs came pouring out...he was able to calm her after a while, but my heart was broken. One of my most favorite things about Julia is her ability to empathize with people. She has had this quality all her life and I find it so admirable. But with that quality can come the weight of the world on her shoulders.

How do I teach my child empathy as well as the ability to let go? How do I teach her not to feel what I am feeling? How do I give her these tools when I feel so ill-equipped to handle it all myself? Where do I put these feelings of pain, anxiety, & disappointment? Do I just keep putting on that smiley face and charge forward? These are the things that rattle in my brain at 3:30 am...trying to fix the my world in the darkness. No sleep makes for a vulnerable Momma Bear.

My friend Lori gave me a book called "Streams in the Desert" (such a great devotional as my Auntie Jo also gave me this same book a few years ago) and today's reading is from Isaiah. "Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob...I will make you into a threshing sledge, new and sharp with many teeth" Isaiah 41:14-15 Now just reading this on the surface I thought what the heck does that mean? The devotional goes on to say that God can take a worm (a delicate and easily bruised creature) and make it into a threshing tool that can cut through rock and not be broken. He can take an individual who has the weakness of a worm and with His Spirit endow that person with strength enough to make a profound mark on history. It goes on to say that a "worm" should take heart as God can makes us stronger than our circumstances and turn each situation to our good.

This seems especially fitting today. My heart hurts for my sweet Julia. My body hurts me. My mind is not where is should be. Therefore, I hand it all willingly over to the only One who can take it from me and I try to let it go.

In honor of Karla

I have been struggling the past week and a half to find words to describe how I feel about my high school friend's passing. I have wanted to write my thoughts down and let them go. I have sat many times to write and the words just do not come to me.

I am conflicted in many of my thoughts. I want to be mad, sad...I want to kick and scream from the rooftop that LIFE IS NOT FAIR!! I want to curl into a ball and cry...I want this to be a bad dream. At the same time I feel like I need to run out and grab life by the horns and give it a good shake. I need to live the moment...smell the flowers, enjoy the sunshine and then the pitter patter of the rain. I need to squeeze my babies and fill them with every ounce of love I have...just in case. I want to call and write all the people I know to tell them how much I love them, how wonderful they are and how I am blessed to have them. I want to have NO REGRETS!

Well life is certainly not fair and no one ever said it would be...but life is also what we make it. We can choose to hide. We can choose to be mad and sad. We can choose to throw a temper tantrum when things do not go our way. That may feel good for a moment, but what's next?

What if we choose to show our face, if we choose to smile, if we choose to laugh and to sing? What if we choose to dance and not care if anyone is watching? What if we choose to enjoy each day we have, no matter what it brings? What if we choose to LOVE BIG and to GIVE MORE and to BE HAPPY? What will happen next?

I think about how my friend Karla lived. She had a zest for life. She had a huge heart. She had a beautiful smile. I think that is what I will remember most, her smile. So in the words of Charlie Chaplin and in honor of my friend Karla who is in Heaven smiling down I choose to smile.

"Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.
If you smile through your pain and sorrow, Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun shining through For you.
Light up your face with gladness, Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile."

Motivation

I just finished looking at a friend's fundraising page (http://www.firstgiving.com/robprunier) for his upcoming run at THE Boston Marathon. Since I started running a couple of years ago I have always had this little (ok BIG) dream that some day I would run Boston. I still hold onto that dream and hold it as my ultimate goal. With that said it's kind of funny to have such a goal when I have run only a handful of times since November's half marathon in OBX.

My friend Rob is running Boston this year and then following up that run with another marathon 2 weeks later in Vancouver. CRAZY?!?! yes, inspirational most definitely! Rob started running only a couple of years ago, just like me. We went to high school together, so we are the same age...therefore I think if he can do it so can I. I may not be running 26.2 miles with him in April, but I have signed up for a 5 mile run two weeks from today, that benefits MS. Perhaps this will be my starting point for training. It would give me a year + to get my miles up. I could do a half marathon in the fall and just continue to up my mileage over the winter with the ultimate goal of running Boston in 2011.

I am sure that you all think I am crazy for even considering this....maybe I am. Even so, today I actually feel like it is something I can do. I am going to lace up my sneakers this morning and take that first, next step toward Boston. Without putting the cart before the horse I will prepare myself as best I can for the race in 2 weeks. The power of positive thinking and taking one step at a time.

Thanks Rob for inspiring me to get back out there. To put my feet on the road and to take another step. Thanks for reminding me that with hard work and determination we can achieve our dreams. I am still running down that dream....

Life is good

Well here I am a few weeks out from the other shoe having dropped. Since having the official diagnosis of MS now twice, reality has set in. I have been to see the doctor and will have my specialty pharmacy sending the very expensive drug out this week. I cannot even think about the process of learning how to inject myself every day and then seeing if I have any side effects. Just not ready to go there yet. I would rather focus on the good that has already come out of this.


Since being diagnosed less than three weeks ago I have had such an outpouring of support. Friends who I have not seen in years have rallied around me. I have a couple new friends that are close to the disease one has it and the other has a mom with MS. People who did not even know I existed 3 weeks ago lifting me up and encouraging me to fight. Plus all the great people I have had by my side from the beginning. I am amazed and I am blessed.


Once I was given the second opinion I felt overwhelmed and a little helpless. I was not sure where to turn, what to do or where to go. I felt like I truly had lost a part of me and unfortunately gained another part that I really did not want. As you can see from my last post I needed to regain some control. Not over how I felt physically...it pains me to say that I may never have that again. Mentally though...that was another thing. I decided to enlist the help of my family and friends to be a part of a team for the MS Walk in Raleigh. To do something good for myself and others who carry this disease with them every day.


I am so moved by those who have pledged to join me here in Raleigh. I am amazed at the generous spirits of so many to financially support this endeavor. I am without words for how I feel about two very special friends from long ago who have decided to head up their own team in NH. In less than three weeks they have rallied friends and family to join them (and now me) in walking and fundraising for the MS Society's Central New England Chapter. We now have a friendly challenge to see who can raise the most funds. (Don't tell Ellen and Sean, but I plan to kick their butts!!!)


The days are still unpredictable and frustrating. The pain and other symptoms are still ever present. But somehow focusing on the good that can come from the situation is dulling it all just a little. I think we all have a choice in life. We may not get to choose what happens to us. We may not get to choose our circumstances. We may not get to choose the road we travel. What we do get to choose is how we respond to the curve balls life throws at us. We can let all the difficulties throw a dark shadow over all that is good in our lives. We can huddle under the covers and hope it passes on it's own. We can get swallowed up in the pain and the "why me's". It can happen to the best of us...getting caught up in what has gone wrong instead of what is still right.


In order to survive, in order to have the best life possible we must pull ourselves back up by our bootstraps. We must take that baby step forward. We must not let our spirits be crushed by things we cannot control. I was chatting with a friend today. We were talking about high school sports. I reminded him of who I was then and who I still am now. I may not have been the fastest or the most talented athlete, but I sure did have heart. I was a scrappy player who gave it her all. No one could ever say that I did not give 100%. I always felt I had something to prove. I am still that same girl. My brother Donnie shared with me a great quote back in December, after my initial diagnosis...

Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man
But soon or late, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

I am still trying to prove to myself and anyone else who will listen that I have heart. I have a desire to live a full life. I have a desire to help others and in turn I help myself. I may not feel good physically. I may have to make some adjustments along the way. But one thing is for sure, I'll be damned if this disease is going to take my heart.

I would like to encourage all of you, no matter what life is throwing at you today to remember that you have a choice. With that choice brings power. The power to be happy. This week I have heard some bad news...a battle was lost to cancer, leaving behind a family heartbroken, one that mourns the loss of their mommy and their wife. I did not know this woman, but have many friends that did. She fought the good fight. She never gave in. She found the joy in every day. She LIVED. She made the choice and chose to be happy.
I ask that you all take a look at your own lives...are you making the choice to live? Are you making the choice to be happy? Are you looking around to see what you do have? Are you reaching out and grabbing it?

Time is so short...we should not waste it on what we do not have...we should all embrace the blessings we do have. So find someone to hug. Find someone to kiss. Find someone to share a belly laugh. Find someone to share LIFE with, because LIFE IS GOOD.

wordle

My friend Carmen has a great word block on her blog. I loved it so much I decided to make my own. Very cool and addicting fun. You can make your own at www.wordle.net/create tons of fun!!!